Dear Coleen, My partner of nine years is part-owner of a small company and recently I was shocked to find out how much time he spends with one of his female employees. He calls her his “right-hand woman” and relies on her because “she’s so smart”.
However, I called into his office with our baby a couple of weeks ago and one of his other colleagues let slip that he gives this woman a lift to work most mornings and they also often have working lunches at her home. I immediately felt sick and panicked.
Obviously, I confronted him that night and asked him outright if he was having an affair with her. He laughed and said I was way off the mark and reading stuff into the situation.
He claims he’d never have an affair and managed to turn the whole thing around to make me look mean and paranoid.
I don’t believe him, but what can I actually do about it if he won’t be honest with me? Hire a private detective?
If he had told me he picks her up on the way to work and goes over to her house sometimes, I’d be more inclined to believe him, but even then I’d have doubts. What do I do?
Coleen says
Well, going on the attack can often be a sign of guilt. He’s immediately tried to turn it around and blame you, calling you paranoid and making you feel stupid when he should be reassuring you.
Why are you way off the mark when you had to find out about this arrangement through someone else at his work?
Perhaps his colleagues have suspicions and this was their way of putting you in the loop.
If your husband has nothing to hide, then why hasn’t he mentioned the lifts or the working from her home?
Don’t hire a PI – but don’t sweep it under the carpet either.
Say: “I don’t believe you, so I’m going to take some time to decide what to do about it. Whatever has or hasn’t been going on, you’ve lost my trust”, and leave it there.
In the meantime, be clear that you don’t want him to give this woman a lift to work or to go to her home. Why can’t work be done in the office?
Hopefully, if you stand firm, it’ll force him to be honest with you.
At the moment, you don’t know for certain that he’s been sleeping with her or if it’s an emotional affair that’s developing, but he’s absolutely damaged trust.
If you are “paranoid” or reading things into the situation that aren’t true, then he has only got himself to blame for not being honest with you in the first place.
