THE UNDERWHELMING
Every time The Fiver puts the finishing touches to yet another biting satirical tea-time take on the day’s football, it prefers to celebrate by charging round the office in a manner evocative of Craig Beattie’s deranged dash around Hampden after the Hearts forward’s winning penalty against the Queen’s Celtic in 2012; knees pumping high, shirt twirling above the head and security hovering nearby, ready to pounce if there’s even the slightest hint of a belt being unbuckled. Luckily The Fiver’s been ignoring Weird Uncle Fiver’s suggestions about how to freshen up the act, though, so there hasn’t been a stern chat with anyone from HR. Yet. And anyway, why should they get involved? Nothing wrong with a lap of honour as a way of toasting a job done with all the competence and enthusiasm of Theresa May meeting a member of the public.
Not everyone agrees, mind you. Take the supporters of West Ham, for instance, 99.9% of whom decided to do one well before their sheepish players emerged for an embarrassed trudge round the pitch after their final home game of a wretched season ended in a 4-0 defeat to Liverpool on Sunday. The spectacle of Havard Nordtveit and Jonathan Calleri wandering round an empty Taxpayer Bowl, while Slaven Bilic tried to stop André Ayew from walking head-first into a goalpost, must have filled visionary West Ham owners Gollivan with a sense of pride and joy, matched only by the feelings of self-worth the players of Stoke City must have experienced as they set off on their own miserably attended lap of honour following their 4-1 capitulation to Arsenal on Saturday.
It’s difficult not to sympathise with fans who’ve had it up to here with this season. The title race is done, the relegation battle has been wrapped up after Hull City’s inept showing at Crystal Palace and even Manchester United give the impression that they’d already be on a money-spinning tour of the Far East if they didn’t still have to spawn a 1-0 win over Ajax in next week’s Big Vase final. Above all, it’s the poor TV companies The Fiver feels sorry for most. They had such high hopes when they scheduled games on four consecutive nights this week, banking on the Premier League living up to its reputation as the most exciting league in the world, and look at the state of things now. From hungover champions Chelsea trying to pretend they haven’t spent a weekend on the booze when they host Watford on Monday evening to Tottenham visiting Leicester for an entirely pointless Thursday night fixture, there is very little of any note occurring.
There is, however, always the thrilling top-four battle, with Manchester City hosting West Brom, and Arsenal welcoming already relegated Sunderland to the Emirates on Tuesday night. “We have 69 points and can get to 75, which would be four points more than last year,” Arsène Wenger drawled. Forget a lap of honour, Arsène, that’s worthy of an open-top bus tour round north London.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Just because I’m fully blind now, why should I stop doing it?” – John Stancombe, fresh from visiting his 1,640th non-league football venue, talks inspirational groundhopping with Jacque Talbot.
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FIVER LETTERS
“In among the Premier League-obsessed readers, spare a thought for those countless hundreds of League One, League Two and National League players who these past few days have been packing belongings into their second-hand cars and returning – in many cases – to rented homes or parents, jobless. A winter of toil, in front of not very many, in soulless places few have heard of, resulting in the loss of a job and a summer of anguish, trials, rejection and the impending dole queue. Top-flight glamour is all very well, but I’m with the Accrington chairman on this; a few (more) quid chucked at the grassroots would not go amiss” – Mike Waring.
“In the history of time there have been 13 people on the moon. The last person to walk on the moon was Harrison Schmitt. Did you know that? I did not. I could name most of the Blackeye Rovers side that got relegated to the third tier of English football. A poor team achieving little yet I know most of them” – Marten Allen.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Waring.
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BITS AND BOBS
Ezequiel Lavezzi has apologised-but-only-if-you’re-offended after thinking it was a good idea to do that eyes gesture in promotional pictures for new club Hebei China Fortune. “As per the demands of the official Chinese Super League cameraman, I pulled funny and relaxed poses to create an entertaining atmosphere at the photography session,” he honked. “The photo was then published on the official CSL website. In this regard, I never had any bad intentions, and even less to humiliate those people of Chinese nationality. If this photo has brought fans discomfort or bewilderment, I beg for their forgiveness.”
Hull City manager Marco Silva will presumably do one after their relegation back to the Championship. “I will talk to the board and the chairman first, talking inside the walls of the club,” he tooted. “Now it’s time to be calm and see what is best first for the future of the club and also for my career as well.”
Fresh from overseeing Sunderland’s seamless transition to the Football League, David Moyes now wants more money for stage two of the masterplan. “Everybody can see we need to make big improvements,” he sighed.
Manchester City are overcompensating ready to offer Yaya Touré a new contract.
Málaga’s former City defender Martín Demichelis is hanging up his boots. “I hope to talk from the heart,” he cooed. “The day that unfortunately comes to us all has arrived for me, the end has come. Thanks to the club, my team-mates and the coach, but I have to be honest with myself. I’ve lost strength in my legs and I’ve lost the power of concentration.”
Alexis Sánchez faces a late fitness test before Tuesday’s win over Sunderland adds to their fruitless late-season charge.
“Get the moped!” An obvious way to mark Benfica’s latest title.
Swindon Town are sniffing around Steve Evans, but his employers Mansfield aren’t having any of it. “We will allow for no distractions as we set about our work to mount a serious promotion challenge in 2017-18,” fumed chairman John Radford. Watch this space.
And Forest Green Rovers, powered by weird food habits and cash, are the newest members of the Football League. “You’ve got to remember we’re at the top of a hill in the middle of nowhere,” whooped manager Mark Cooper.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten Premier League talking points, you know the drill.
Sachin Nakrani has written a love letter to Philippe Coutinho who, it turns out, is still very good at football.
Sid Lowe kicks off this week’s Euro blogs with a few hundred La Liga-based words on Sporting Gijon’s relegation, Pepe Mel’s joy and a quote that reads: “We feel [effing ess].”
With roughly a third of PSG’s budget, Monaco have earned the Ligue 1 title, not bought it. Adam White and Eric Devin explain how.
Who wants to read about a meaningless 5-4 last-gasp win for Bayern Munich, when you can get into Bayer Leverkusen’s fight against relegation with Andy Brassell. Woof.
Paolo Bandini on Juve’s defeat by Roma and why Torino won’t fight to keep Joe Hart.
On Tottenham’s last day at the Lane, David Hytner wrote some words, and Tom Jenkins took some pictures.
In case you missed it, here’s Daniel Taylor’s column on why Manchester United should tell Real Madrid to get their silk-lined mitts off David de Gea.
Own goal of the season is done.
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