That’s all from this one - now time to join yer man Niall McVeigh for the Saturday clockwatch. He’s in place and looks jazzed, pumped and raring to bring you all the details from the 3pms, plus from Africa Cup o’ Nations action. Cheers.
Well, Hull were utterly desperate in that game, and a bunch of their players very much looked like they’d packed it all in, particularly for the third goal. John Carver goes over to the away fans, looking as absolutely delighted as you’d expect a man who’d just won his first game as manager of the club he supported as a lad. They’re up to tenth now.
Full-time: Hull 0-3 Newcastle
Well, Brucie, you’re in some mither now...
Updated
90 mins + 2: And a final sub for Newcastle, as Ameobi comes off and Mehdi Abeid collects an appearance fee.
90 mins + 1: I think Newcastle have been good today, but Hull have been so abysmal it’s a bit difficult to tell.
Updated
90 mins: Two minutes of added time. The kindest thing would be to end it now.
88 mins: Bizarre booking for Livermore, who slides into a challenge, wins the ball cleanly with a vague hint of stud but no real threat, but gets a yellow from Dowd.
87 mins: Oh man. Huddlestone tries a free-kick that...well, it would probably be embarrassing for him if I described it further. Let’s just say it didn’t go in. Bruce, looking even more like Sadsack from the Raggy Dolls, shakes his head.
85 mins: As the stands empty, Aluko at least tries to create something on the left of the box. From the corner, Ramirez gets up and his header is deflected just wide. From the second corner, the ball evades everyone in the box and finds Huddlestone on the edge, but his low shot lacks conviction and Krul drops on it.
84 mins: “How’s Brucie’s body language?” asks Ben Watson. “I always think he’s one of these managers who, when things are going really pear shaped, affects a look of embarrassment and bemusement rather than concern, as if he’s trying to disassociate himself with the mess in front of him. It usually starts to happen about midway through the season after the one successful season. Any sign of that?”
Yep. Lots.
Updated
82 mins: Sub for Newcastle, as Perez - who has been very good - is replaced by Papiss Cisse, who quite literally skips onto the pitch.
80 mins: If you place any stock in body language, then stick your mortgage on Hull going down. Or Steve Bruce being the next manager to go. It looks like most of the players can’t be arsed, which is obviously their problem, but it also doesn’t say much for the manager that he can’t get them to do more.
78 mins: Hull have gone here. Yet another careless pass starts a Newcastle attack, Gouffran cuts in from the left and is just allowed to stroll towards goal by some jogging defenders, and his shot is deflected past a rightly furious McGregor.
GOAL! Hull 0-3 Newcastle (Gouffran 78)
Desperate, desperate, desperate.
Updated
76 mins: Eeesh, this is desperate from Hull. Their ideas extend to a few long diagonals, which I guess you have to expect when you’ve got Michael Dawson in your team, the latest of which fails to find Aluko partly because, well, he was looking the other way.
74 mins: Newcastle are knocking it around like it’s the Anschluss match, to loud OLÉS from the travelling fans.
72 mins: Subs for both sides - Robbie Brady replaces Robertson for Hull, which seems like a slightly curious move as the Scottish left-back has been impressive going forwards, while for Newcastle Cabella comes off for Yoan Gouffran.
71 mins: Half-chance for Hull, as Aluko shoots from the edge of the box, but despite bouncing just in front of Krul, the keeper hangs on.
70 mins: Ameobi lollops through the middle and suddenly finds himself in some space, but just as he tries to beat the last man he is, to be frank, put on his arse by a strong but fair Dawson tackle.
69 mins: It’s really not falling for Hull at the moment. Jelavic battles to win the ball and a bit of space, he shuffles it left to Ince who in turn plays it one more to Ramirez, but the pass is just a yard too strong and the attack fizzles.
Updated
68 mins: Cabella wins the ball deep on the right and runs forward into space, looking like he could create something spicy with options left and right, but he stops, almost confuses himself and is eventually dispossessed.
66 mins: Change for Hull, as Tom Ince replaces Abel Hernandez.
64 mins: Sweet fancy Moses, why haven’t Hull scored? Good work by Robertson on the left slips in Ramirez, who gets into the box and shoots, Krul gets half a leg to it but can only deflect it into the path of Jelavic in front of an open goal, but it gets to him too quickly and he can’t direct it forwards, thus in goal. Bruce stomps around on the touchline like a man whose lunch has just been stolen by a sneaky pigeon.
61 mins: Doremus Schafer (great name) weighs in on the handball debate: “There’s one pretty obvious difference between scoring a goal and preventing a goal by deliberate handball. If you’re caught scoring a goal, the ref disallows the goal and any result of your crime is expunged. If you clear the ball off the line, the ref can’t award the goal-that-should-have-been, but can only give a penalty which might be missed or saved (think Suarez vs. Ghana at rthe 2010 World Cup). It therefore makes perfect sense for the punishment to be harsher for a player that prevents a goal, if only for the purpose of stronger deterrence.”
60 mins: Another Coloccini brainguff then nearly puts Newcastle in trouble again as Hull counter, but luckily for him Krul rushes out to mop up the danger.
59 mins: Ooof, Newcastle go close, as Jamaat whips a cross in from the right and Perez gets there at the near post ahead of a dozing Davies, the shot seems to take McGregor by surprise but he just manages to get enough on it to keep the thing out.
57 mins: Most of Hull’s threat is coming down the left. Robertson gets down that flank again and feeds to Hernandez at the near post, who controls and shoots, but it’s deflected away. The linesman then inexplicably gives a throw to Newcastle, having seemingly missed the absolutely colossal diversion the ball took. Perhaps he was thrown by the snow, now hammering it down at the KC.
56 mins: Another good chance for Hull, as Robertson whips a head-height cross over, but Hernandez can’t get to it at the back stick. Meanwhile, Hull make a sub, Sone Aluko coming on for Meyler.
53 mins: High comedy in the Newcastle defence, as they half clear a corner, it gets back to Hernandez whose shot is blocked by Coloccini (perhaps with his hand) who for reasons unclear then slices the thing straight up in the air and over Krul in nets, the ball tailing towards the goal. Anita is there to save his team and skipper’s bacon, and that was nearly, so nearly one of the great oggers.
52 mins: Hull try to get straight back into it, but Ramirez’s free-kick is just put behind by Ameobi, contributing in defence that time.
50 mins: Steve Bruce looks even more like a sad beanbag after Sammy Ameobi doubles Newcastle’s lead. Hull again give the ball away in defence, a careless pass from Ramirez this time, and it finds Ameobi deepish on the left. He’s allow to control, advance towards goal and line up a powerful, dipping shot that evades a poorly-positioned McGregor.
Updated
GOAL! Hull 0-2 Newcastle (Ameobi 50)
What a hit son!
49 mins: A debating point, from Roy Allen: “Had Elmohamady denied a goal by hand ball he’d have been sent off. Why is attempting to cheat a goal considered a lesser offence? The decision was correct as the laws stand, but should that be reviewed by IFAB?”
Updated
48 mins: Uncharacteristic sloppy moment from Jack Colback in midfield, giving the ball away to Ramirez in the left channel, but his shot is blazed high and indeed wide.
46 mins: They’re back out, and playing again. Elmohamady is still chuntering about something.
Half-time: Hull 0-1 Newcastle
Remarkably, Elmohamady is still protesting that decision. He was booked for it, by the way. Half-time, and the visitors are in the lead.
Updated
45 mins + 2: GOA....oh, no, it isn’t. Ramirez flings the ball in from the right with whip and curl, it’s turned home by Elmohamady but the linesman, having relocated his flag, puts it up straight away and the replays show why. Elmohamady just punched the thing into the net, a great spot by the lino and the Egyptian plays the innocent, but that was as blatant as it gets.
Updated
45 mins: Two minutes added time, Elmohamady is dragged back by Ameobi outside the Newcastle box on the right, and the lino drops his flag. What a minute of action!
44 mins: And it rings out long and loud...
42 mins: Hull have a chance to get back into it straight away as a deep cross is put in from the right to the back stick, but Jelavic’s jump is mistimed and the ball is bundled clear.
40 mins: Robertson is an impressive player, but he dropped one there, trying a short pass out of defence on the edge of his own box which only finds Remy Cabella. The Frenchman finds a bit of space, shifts it onto this left foot and batters the thing into the bottom corner, past McGregor’s flailing right hand.
Updated
GOAL! Hull 0-1 Newcastle (Cabella 40)
Deadlock, smashed.
Updated
39 mins: But the delivery from the resultant free-kick is poor, and headed clear.
38 mins: Newcastle go close after Haidara gets down the left and whips in a quite exceptional ball, which Perez gets his nut to but can’t direct it past McGregor. The ball then reaches Cabella on the right of the box and he’s bundled over...
35 mins: Long diagonal from Anita looks for Ameobi in the Hull area, but Dawson gets there first, heading back towards his own goal and we’re briefly teased by the prospect of a slapstick own-goal, but in the end there’s not enough height on the back-header to provide any comedy, and McGregor claims.
34 mins: Both men have received treatment and are back on the pitch, but Janmaat still looks a little groggy.
Updated
32 mins: Clash of heads between Jelavic and Janmaat out on the Newcastle right-back spot. No blood is obvious, but the latter doesn’t look in a brilliant way, still on the floor and appears a bit dazed.
30 mins: Cabella looks Newcastle’s sparkiest player today. He darts down the right and gets the ball across with the help of Perez, but Dawson gets there at the near post to clear.
29 mins: Nice piece of reffing by Dowd, booking Anita for that foul on Hernandez three minutes ago. The ball hadn’t gone dead in the intervening period.
28 mins: The rugby markings on the KC pitch are vexing me.
26 mins: Nice work by Hernandez getting to a Jelavic knock-down ahead of Williamson, spreading out left to Robertson and being taken out by Anita in the process. The ref rightly plays advantage, but Robertson’s shot is rather weak and Krul saves with ease.
25 mins: Phil Dowd is at his happiest - giving out a yellow card, and it’s entirely justified, dishing out the booking to Meyler who put in a late, slightly over-the-ball challenge on Cabella. You’ve seen those result in a red.
23 mins: Elmohamady very nearly puts his team in some awful strife with a lazy pass across the halfway line, which Cabella picks up and feeds Janmaat down the right, but Robertson does well to get across and put him off.
21 mins: Replays of that scramble indicate that a) Mike Williamson on the floor just got his knee to the ball as Jelavic tried to force it home and b) he was nearly decapitated as a result by said striker’s swinging boot.
18 mins: Scramble! No idea how Hull aren’t in the lead here. Elmohamady powers down the right and fires in an absolutely superb cross, which is met by Curtis Davies who, for some reason, is in the Newcastle box. He meets the header, Krul gets a finger to it but Coloccini is there on the line to chest it away from goal. Jelavic then takes a massive air shot as it looks certain that someone will bundle the thing over the line, but it somehow stays out.
Updated
16 mins: Here’s more from Macca’s hat.
15 mins: Steve Bruce is wearing an absolutely vast coat. Looks like two of Arsene Wenger’s stitched together.
14 mins: Newcastle - mainly Coloccini - indulge in a spot of what Football Weekly regular Iain Macintosh would no doubt describe as ‘titting about’ with the ball at the back, but perhaps more by luck than judgement, they eventually get the thing away from the left-back slot.
11 mins: Ah. Janmaat tries a lollipop or two out on the right, but rather than doing anything constructive he perhaps provides evidence that defenders shouldn’t bother with such fancy stuff, almost falling over the thing like that horse falling over a big ball.
9 mins: Good stuff this from Hull. Ramirez is again involved on the right, a neat backheel to Jake Livermore creating a potential opening, but the ball across from David Meyler isn’t well-directed enough.
8 mins: Close from Hull! The hosts win a free-kick in the right channel that Gaston Ramirez dinks teasingly to the far post, but Dawson couldn’t quite get enough on the header, and it disappears just wide of the back stick.
6 mins: “Surely John Carver head butting the bus mirror was a warning to David Meyler,” writes J.R. in Illinois. “Letting him know that even though Pards is gone he shouldn’t feel safe. That’s good thinking. Maybe he is cut out for this gig after all.”
5 mins: Newcastle would probably be, how you say, ‘borked’ without Moussa Sissoko, and he shows why there, driving through the midfield with purpose and shooting, but he didn’t quite get hold of that effort and it skips just wide. Some positive intent early doors from both teams, though.
3 mins: Ach, Michael Dawson is lucky to get away with not being booked after scissoring Ayoze Perez as he broke forwards.
Updated
2 mins: Hull have started with some vim and vigour. The ball reaches Robertson out on the left, and he gets some juice behind a shot from a narrow angle, but it’s straight at Krul who hangs on at the second attempt, but that one was a palm-stinger.
1 mins: And we’re away, Newcastle getting us started. For those of you watching in black and white, Newcastle are kicking right to left.
The teams are out and shaking hands. Newcastle are in trackie tops, Hull just their kits. Early advantage to the hosts.
Ouch...
Not a great start for John Carver - smashed his head off the team bus's wing mirror as he got off at the KC.. pic.twitter.com/HhxPt5qDYr
— Chris Murphy (@ChrisMurphSport) January 31, 2015
Meanwhile, Steve McManaman, punditing for BT, seems to have come dressed as Inspector Closeau...
Looking good Steve-O.. Someone should offer #bestodds on #McManaman to have taken that awful hat off by Half-Time.. pic.twitter.com/UlItGhJr1w
— Oddschecker (@Oddschecker) January 31, 2015
And now some Newcastle music, but before you say anything - I ain’t putting Sting in there. We shall start with Prefab Sprout instead...
Who remembers Dubstar? Llllllllllovely stuff.
And then there’s Maximo Park...
Neil Tennant is from South Shields apparently, so the Pet Shop Boys count...
Equally, Brian Johnson is from Gateshead, ergo AC/DC count as well...
Care for some music from Hull? Sure you do. We’ll get the obvious (but still good) ones out of the way first, so here’s the Housemartins...
...and the Beautiful South...
Pray listen to Salako, who put out the album ‘Hull’s Too Good For England’...
Fonda 500 are, as far as I can tell, now sadly defunct, but this was an absolute belter - Je M’Appelle Stereo...
Everything But The Girl weren’t technically from Hull, but were formed there, and named after a furniture shop that had the tagline ‘for your bedroom needs, we sell everything but the girl.’ Which would’ve made it a very different operation. This is a cover of ‘Protection’ by Massive Attack. Actually, since Tracey Thorn sang the vocals on the original, does it count as a cover? Need a ruling on this...
Looks like it’s back to 4-4-2 for Hull after the West Ham game last time out, when it was three-but-really-five-at-the-back, before which it was four for a few games. Confused tactics or commendable flexibility to try and fix stuff? All depends on your point of view, and ultimately of course whether they actually win today.
Team news
Hull
McGregor; Elmohamady, Davies, Dawson, Robertson; Meyler, Ramirez, Livermore, Huddlestone; Jelavic, Hernandez. Subs: Harper, Bruce, Brady, McShane, Ince, Aluko, Quinn.
Newcastle
Krul; Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini (c), Haidara; Sissoko, Anita, Colback; Cabella, Perez, Ameobi. Subs: Alnwick, Santon, Abeid, Obertan, Gouffran, Riviere, Cisse.
Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)
Preamble
Strange place, Hull. Not without its peculiar beauty or charm, but there’s definitely a sense of ‘other’ about it, from the weird-coloured phone boxes to the fact they still have phone boxes, to it being at the very end of the train line, which certainly lends an air of foreboding, given you feel like there’s only one way in or out. If someone blocked up that entrance/exit, you’d be borked. Perhaps this ‘other’ is finally rubbing off on Steve Bruce and his players, because the last few weeks – indeed, most of this season – have been basically catastrophic, chipping away at the vats of goodwill Bruce built up in taking them into the Premier League and to the FA Cup final last season.
He has of course had to deal with a quite implausible list of injuries, with seemingly dozens of players felled by ailments of assorted hues, or possibly just the ennui of East Riding. That’s getting better now, but Bruce will still be sans Liam Rosenior, Robert Snodgrass James Chester and Mo Diamé for the forseeable, and have the likes of Nikica Jelavic and Abel Hernandez just coming back. They went on a run of one win in 16, before recovering slightly with a couple of victories over Christmas, but have now been felled three times in a row again. Brucie, who is not, it must be said, a massively healthy-looking man at the best of times, has looked even more troubled, possibly from some of the long nights of the soul that a struggling manager can go through, pondering the great imponderables such as ‘Should I stick with three at the back?’, ‘Should Sone Aluko play up top?’ and ‘Who can I blame for making a frightful balls of all this?’
Similarly, Newcastle is not an especially cheery place at present. One normally associates both place and football club with a sense of boisterous bonhomie, an essentially uplifting sensibility while still shot through with the sort of fatalism that every football fan has. Not right now though, the warm glow of being rid of the hated Pards with the edge well and truly taken off by the appointment of John Carver until the end of the season, as true a sign as any that a club has basically given up on the current campaign, as a dog gives up on life after its master perishes.
Carver appears to be a decent man and a Newcastle supporter, but in the games since his caretaker appointment they have drawn one (against Burnley) and lost three, including being hoofed out of the FA Cup by Leicester. Not, one might think, a flawless CV for a wannabe manager, but apparently enough for Mike Ashley and chums, who presumably must have something – anything – lined up for the summer. Don’t they? They do...don’t they?
Still, Carver very literally has his feet under the table now, and perhaps simply not being Pards will be enough for him. And hey, if it isn’t, then at least it sounds like the two bosses will have a splendid time after the game:
This would have been Steve’s dream job, wouldn’t it?” Carver said. “I’ve had a few bottles of red wine with Steve. He’s quite a nice social animal, a great guy, a top guy. He’s a local lad, his wife’s from up here too and they’re lovely people. He loves the area - but the unfortunate thing is he managed Sunderland.
It’s the Basic Sadness of Being Derby, and it’s on.
Kick-off: 12.45pm
Nick will be here in one whole minute.
