In the same way that a builder will have a toolbox of things they need for different jobs, a person should have a few ways to tell someone that their skull no doubt makes a hollow noise when tapped. After all, you never know when you’ll need a verbal tool to tell someone that they are, well, a tool.
So we’ve gathered some of the best insults that people have kept locked and loaded for a rainy day. Get comfortable as you read through, take note of the best ones, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own thoughts, ideas and experiences in the comments section down below.
#1
In my younger days, I was often questioned- “ You are young, pretty and have a great job. Why are you not married?”
And I would always respond….
“Well, I have not met a man that deserves to be that happy.” 😊
Image credits: Cynthia Ann Rouse
#2
A favorite line from Shakespeare “I do desire that we should be better strangers”.
#3
“Oh I’m sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?”
I heard that in a video and laugh every time I think about it.
Image credits: Hannah Jean
#4
Seen in Irish Pub;
“I am somewhat of a bullsh**ter myself, but occasionally I enjoy listening to an expert. Please, carry on”.
Image credits: Molly Dindia
#5
When I was 9 months pregnant, I went looking for my favorite snacky snack (Cadbury mini eggs) and my husband had eaten all of them. I just looked him dead in the eyes and said “…no jury on earth would convict me…”
After a long awkward pause we both laughed. But my laugh wasn’t the same as his laugh… 😐
#6
I admire your confidence. If I were that consistently wrong, I don’t think I’d have the courage to keep talking.
Image credits: Melissa Clower
#7
My husband was being relentlessly hit on by a nasty woman and she wanted his phone number (after he tried to tell her he was married - so was she apparently) so he says “do you have a pen?” To which she replies “sure!” and tried to hand it to him … he says “good, you should probably get back to it before the farmer notices you’re missing” 🤣 heh heh 🐷
Image credits: Robyn McGavin
#8
"What an odd thing to say out loud".
Image credits: Coley Christina
#9
Them: "You look better without your glasses on"
Me: You look better without my glasses on, too. ☺️
#10
When someone makes a cruel/insensitive joke, pretend not to understand so they have to explain it. "Huh? I don't get it. Can you elaborate?"
Image credits: Hannah Olivarez
#11
I work in a call center, my go to once someone starts cussing me out is, "Wow, this must be a very frustrating situation to take it out on a complete stranger."
Image credits: Cassie Lee
#12
I was out in the community with a bunch of adults with special needs.
Very old woman: Back in my day, we kept people like that in cages.
Me: Back in my day, we kept people like you in nursing homes.
Image credits: Brenna Robinson
#13
I was a cashier at Lowe’s home improvement and customers would sometimes be rude or make offhanded remarks (DIY can be stressful, but it’s not my fault!)… I would smile, look them dead in the eye, and sweetly say, “I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. What did you say?” And maintain eye contact. Not really an insult, but most people can’t be jerks to your face. 🤣
Image credits: Lisa Montgomery
#14
1. Poor planning on your part is not an emergency on mine.
2. Changing the volume of your argument doesn't make it the right thing to say.
Image credits: Elizabeth Whittingham
#15
My daughter(5 at the time) told a bald man with a wrinkled scalp, "I can tell you're really smart, because I can see your brain on the outside!" He was clutching pearls and laughing at the same time. He still remembers this, 2 years later.
#16
Nurse with 25 years experience to the intern mansplaining her job to her:
"Wow look that was so interesting! And you with your training wheels and shiny new stethoscope, I'm so proud!"
#17
I had a 3month old baby and Someone once made a remark about my wobbly stomach. I replied “I just had a baby, what’s your excuse?”
#18
I would explain it for you but I don't have the crayons..
Image credits: Jenna Everett
#19
“I’m surprised that you thought that was an appropriate thing to say.”
#20
People like you are the reason they have "how to use" on shampoo bottles.
#21
My fave i got in trouble in school for. Lazy girl in theatre didn’t want to help paint. She said she was allergic to latex. I yelled if you were allergic to latex you’d have like 5 kids by now. I got called into the office but my professor thought it was funny.
#22
The one time I go for personality over looks and you behave like this… 💀🤣
Image credits: Kayleigh Stone
#23
“I’ve been called worse by better.”
Image credits: Amanda Kuykendall
#24
My daughter was on the phone to my man and he asked "how's mum? Beautiful as ever?" My daughter looked at me for a moment before replying "...she's trying her best".
Image credits: Amy Hewitt
#25
I said to a guy obsessed with eventually having a kid that I found out was cheating "I hope you never have a daughter that gets treated the way you treated me" so he could realize he's the guy he's scared of his daughter meeting one day 🙃
Image credits: Jamee Varda
#26
I hate it when (usually older men) tells a young lady to smile.
Tell them “Say something funny.”
When they start to talk make the wrong answer buzzer sound and give a blank stare.
#27
I love that you were confident enough to say that out loud.
Image credits: Sib Price
#28
In the south we say “Bless your heart”.
Image credits: Polly Heard Magee
#29
“Id challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you're unarmed."
Image credits: Linley Moyle
#30
I remember I started a new job and this coworker for 5 weeks straight, would insult people legitimately every 5 to 10 minutes all throughout the day. Everyone of course would laugh it off every time. However, by the 5th week, I was tired of it and some of the other coworkers, who I got to know said they knew this coworker was only joking and tried not to think about it. I decided to just play the same game but different. Every time this person insulted someone, I would turn to the person who was insulted and give them a compliment. I did this throughout the day without fail. Eventually this coworker turned their chair around to face me, obviously annoyed at me and said, "You know I'm only joking right?" I said to them right back, "You know I'm not right? I truly mean the compliments I give" and turned right back to my job. She quit 2 weeks later after that.
#31
An old movie taught me this one: when anyone says "you're smarter than you look," you respond: "thank you! I wish I could say the same for you!"
I suppose any adjective would work, too.
Also, just watch any old Marx Bros movie for epic zingers.
#32
Was on the phone with a particularly rude client and said " I'm going to give you an opportunity to call me back when you think you're ready to have a more mature conversation".
Image credits: Alana Brunka
#33
My boss screamed at me for messing up an order, I was like 17 at the time, and decided to say I was stupid and a worthless employee. I deadpanned at him and said "what do you mean?" He balked and was trying to explain himself and I just kept telling him "im sorry I dont understand" dude still avoids me to this day xD.
#34
When you're looking at a person who's talking absolute sh**e. Tell them this, “do you know that there's a tree out there, growing and supplying oxygen, just for you!! Go out there, find it...and APOLOGISE TO IT"
#35
When someone is acting dumb my momma says "Jesus christ if your brains were shoes you'd be barefoot" 🤣😅☺️
#36
Let me introduce you to Dignity; I heard you two haven't met yet.
Image credits: Lisa Banta
#37
Who ties your shoes for you?
Image credits: Kate Ratcliffe
#38
I had a teacher tell the teenagers in my class to enjoy being beautiful while they were young as it wouldn't last. He followed it up by saying that men however only grow more dignified with age. My retort was to hold my hands out in front of my stomach and say, "I know men like you. I've seen how their dignities grow."
#39
Anytime anyone would approach my grandma when she wasn’t in the mood to talk she’d say “no thank you” in a very sweet English accent so you’d be so caught off guard thinking she was being sweet but it was actually kind of rude lol.
Image credits: Jamina Metcalf
#40
Intelligence has been chasing you your whole life but you have been faster.
Image credits: John Foy
#41
A sincere “Are you ok?” works wonders.
Image credits: Jonah Hounsome
#42
“Good effort.” I still say this to my students, completely dead pan, when they’re being plonkers.
Image credits: Natalie Martin
#43
My dad used to say to me, “when god gave out heads, you thought he said beds, and asked for a nice squishy one”.
#44
You’re so inspiring, every time I see you, I’m reminded how far confidence can take someone, even without the burden of self-awareness🙄.
#45
When someone tries to over explain something to me I say, “good job! That’s right!”
#46
My new favourite is “There We Are Then” they’re never sure if they’ve been insulted or not.
#47
My daughter was maybe 2... this little boy at a party would not stop harassing her... She put her hand on him gently and in a calm little voice said, "It's okay that you're sad sometimes. Your Mommy doesn't love you." He was DISMANTLED! To this day still the most savage thing I've ever seen.
#48
I’m guessing that your family tree does not branch.
Image credits: Anniken McClellan Steine
#49
Have the day you deserve.
But when someone is trying to put blame on me when it isn't my problem my favourite is "sounds like a you problem, not a me problem" 😂
#50
I don't care what what anybody else says about you, I think your grand (thanks nanny 🤣🤣🤣)
Image credits: Anne-Marie Mullins
