Young love is uncomplicated, irrational and all consuming.
A source of powerful new endorphins (the feel-good chemicals that our bodies release when laugh and bond with a new partner). Oh how optimistically we can love, when our hearts have never yet been broken.
We don’t tend to inform young adults about how hard breakups can be and how to act appropriately during that time. No one ever says hey, I know it feels great now, but love is an incredibly powerful drug and once you’ve had your first hit, you’re going to find it excruciatingly painful to crash into a sea of heartache.
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If young adults were more prepared when entering relationships - if we managed their expectations better - then maybe the first break up might not leave such a huge scar. Break ups are also a valuable opportunity for parents to teach your teen how to deal with pain, rejection, disappointment. And with the figures for violence against women and girls, stalking and domestic abuse at an all time high, learning how to cope with rejection well, is an important life skill.
Pamela Burgess, Counsellor & Psychotherapist from Liverpool Therapy Rooms, says: “Young adults experiencing heartbreak often present as anxiety, panic attacks, loss of identity, lack of confidence, trust issues, hopelessness, low self esteem and in some cases self harm or suicidal ideation.
“Losing love can cause emotional and psychological distress that can be cognitively traumatic. The fulfilment of love is addictive, and to suddenly go without it we experience withdrawal symptoms which has a profound impact on every area of our life.”
Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. Broken bones and broken hearts are intimately connected in our minds.
Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist, conducted research proving that rejection can dramatically reduce a persons IQ, while increasing aggression. We are social animals designed to get along with each other, and that's why breakups - particularly those without explanation- are so difficult for us to process.
Baumeister says rejection interferes with a person's self-control. It’s ok to be hurt when someone rejects you and it’s perfectly normal for you to act in ways you wouldn’t usually, for a short while. The human being’s recall of emotional rejection is stronger than that of physical pain. That's why your first break up is an emotional trauma that can cause long term emotional sensitivity.
When a young adult in your family finds themselves mid break up, society – and likely your family and friends – tell them to just forget about it and not to take it personally. But brushing any psychological trauma (however small) under the carpet can be extremely dangerous to their mental health and emotional well being. It is vital for young adults to seek out validation and positive connection with their friends and family during a break up, as it is when their mental health is taking a nosedive.
Pamela says: “It is important young adults have a safe and confidential space to share their painful feelings and experiences where they feel no judgement and are attentively listened to and understood. Forming a supportive and empathetic therapeutic relationship with a counsellor during this difficult time can be beneficial as it is client focused, impartial and can also be psycho educational.
“Knowing how to navigate a romantic relationship as a young adult can be a minefield, particularly for those who unfortunately may not have grown up having had healthy relationships demonstrated. Guiding and supporting young adults through the ups and downs of love can help them learn coping techniques, boundaries, healthy attachment, self love and empowerment.
"To avoid unhealthy relationship patterns going into the future, it is vitally important for young people to learn about co-dependency, trauma bonding and narcissistic abuse. A therapist can offer guidance and also demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.”
Let's look at how best can parents help:
Validation
Resist the urge to minimise your child’s emotions. Just because you didn’t think the relationship was very important or would last forever, doesn’t mean that your teenager didn’t feel strongly about their former significant other. While it’s unlikely that they would have lived happily ever after, your teen perhaps thought that they would. Regardless, the pain is real and significant to your teen.
Support
If your teen decided to initiate the breakup, that doesn’t mean they won’t be upset about it. Sometimes the one who chose to end the relationship ends up the saddest. However, the breakup happened, stand firmly beside your child.
Avoid clichés
It may be tempting to say things like "you can do better”, “they weren’t good enough for you” or “there’s plenty more fish in the sea.” But these common phrases are so unhelpful. They’ll likely only result in your teen confiding in you less.
Encourage them to be honest about how they're feeling
Don’t encourage them to escape uncomfortable emotions. Instead inspire them towards the future.
Simply listen
Writer and parent Caitlin Moran says small children want you to solve their problems, teenagers don’t. So give your teen plenty of space to vent without feeling them how to feel.
Talk to them about technology
Warn your teens about the implications of bad mouthing their ex online, or sharing intimate details and images. Gently explain the negative psychological effects of stalking them online. Checking their pages every five minutes will do nothing but make them feel bad.
Give them a positive short term distraction
If you can, throw a bit of money at it - everyone feels better with a new pair of trainers. If appropriate, guide them into a joint project like redecorating their room. It will distract them and give them a sense of power over their surroundings, their world.
Look for warning signs and seek help when necessary
If you notice signs of depression, eating problems, or sleeping too much or too little, it might be time to seek additional help from a professional.
But always remember, it's not your job to rescue young adults from their strong feelings and emotions, but rather to guide them through correctly and thoroughly processing their emotions. Pamela adds: “Love certainly is a drug, and one we all need, it is therefore vital that young adults are supported in managing loves emotional rollercoaster.”
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