Q: You are getting older, but your parents still want control. How do you tell your mom and dad it is time to let go without sounding ungrateful or insensitive?
Start by asking them if they could set aside some time this week to talk to you. Share that you are appreciative of how much they care for you. Then explain that you are also very eager to be as competent and responsible an adult as they are.
Ask them to reflect on what they were like at your age. Do they remember that time? What was life like for them back then? Did they feel overly burdened as if their parents were not there for them, and so they decided not to make that mistake with you? Or perhaps they had controlling parents too. Ask them how they felt being controlled either helped or hurt them as they grew up.
They may have forgotten how much pride and esteem come from facing and surviving childhood and adolescent challenges without being rescued by an adult. Remind them that you are you and not them.
Let them know that by trusting you, they are showing faith in you to manage, and when they take over, they are sending you messages that they don't believe in you.
_ Alison Schafer, parenting expert and author of "Honey, I Wrecked the Kids."
Start with love and gratitude. It's the right thing to do, and it'll help you win the day: "I love you guys so much, and I'm grateful for all you've done for me and taught me." Then make the ask: "I think it's time I started doing X, Y and Z for myself." Finally, the rationale: "I need to become more capable and responsible. I bet grandma wasn't handling X, Y or Z for you when you were my age!"
_ Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of "How to Raise an Adult" and "Real American: A Memoir."
