A while ago, there was a flurry of national panic and indignation when DI Hardy, David Tennant’s character in Broadchurch, put his cup of tea in the microwave. Now an Australian scientist has proved that this could be the best method of tea-making, as it releases flavour, theanine, caffeine and antioxidant compounds in the healthiest way.
With due respect to Australians (their input is always welcome), this was a British disaster that occurred on British soil and it’s up to us and us alone to sort it out.
In this spirit, here are the tea-making rules as all right-thinking British people know them. Microwaving tea is a barbaric act, which is only permissible, by law, if you’re a bone-idle student with a hangover. While some of the previous statement may not be entirely true, I’ll confidently add that most Britons make tea the correct, modern way. By which I mean no teapots, tea-strainers, loose leaves or any of that “get a life!” palaver we only put on for tourist cream teas in Devon and Cornwall.
Instead, we perform the simple act of dropping a decent-ish teabag into each cup (no stinting) and firmly squashing the teabags with the back of a teaspoon. Add enough milk to make a kind of tea colour. No sugar allowed, unless you’re a cute builder in the opening scenes of a porn movie. Drink the tea.
Now that’s proper science for you. The microwave should never be used unless you are, for instance, a journalist who’s “a bit busy” and has allowed several full cups of tea to go cold, assembled in the manner of Stonehenge. I’m so glad that we had the opportunity to clear this up.
