Christmas can put stress on couples at the best of times: John Lewis ads and idealised memories from the Christmas of childhood hang over us. Now, in addition to the pressure to create a perfect Christmas, ignoring the credit card balance and calorie counting, couples are also likely to have to negotiate their way through at least one extended family Brexit debate.
According to a 2016 poll of 300 relationship counsellors, one in five of them reported clients had mentioned the EU referendum and the decision to leave as an issue in their relationship. When one partner wants “leave” and the other “remain”, how safe is it to embark on carving up the turkey together? And, forgive the glib interpretation, who’s left holding the giblets?
The Brexit process, with its many stages, from feelings of rejection and hurt, concerns of being misunderstood or not represented fairly, of defensive or distrustful thinking and a need for necessary self-care in recovery, mirrors the process of a couple caught up in the painful reality of divorce or separation. For those who are contemplating severing their intimate adult relationship, having their personal sadness and confusion mimicked on a national scale complicates the process of mourning and forging a new individual identity distinct from the remnants of their shared couple and family history.
Uncertainties, differences and the prospect of change – be they economic, social or political – have destabilised the country and, closer to home, will be affecting families. Expectations associated with the holiday meet tough relationship realities and their junction can prove tricky to navigate. With Christmas in the air, the emphasis on family and togetherness is accentuated, leaving the prospect of a jolly feast around the table on 25 December in jeopardy. With Uncle Bert arguing for border control, Auntie Sheila looking tearful over the need for more nurses from abroad and host and hostess glaring at each other over the mince pies, surely there has never been greater need for the collective task of careful negotiation, flexibility of mind, tolerance, and stamina for the nation’s families to tackle.
What I think we are seeing here as the seasonal period approaches is a parallel process between a national “split” about the future of our relationship with Europe, alongside noisy news and scaremongering. This real fear of uncertainty potentially influences all of us in the more private sphere. Even the most stable among us needs enough certainty – on a financial and emotional front – and currently that “safe enough” feeling is proving elusive, with the many couples we work with in the consulting room describing emotions ranging from powerlessness, confusion and despair about the political process, sometimes mirroring their relationship distress.
Whether couples stay together or separate, what is critical is that they appreciate the shared stake they have in their relationship. If divorce is the only way forward and they have children, this relationship will not magically be cut off but will continue as they forge a new alliance as co-parents. It’s well evidenced that repeated conflict can leave children with a confusing legacy: an internal split where they feel the need to choose a side, an impossible emotional task.
Interestingly, the wellbeing of the next generation is something that exponents on both sides of the political divide have concerns about, and would imply a need in the future for warring Brexit factions to come together, to put past differences aside and focus solely on what would benefit the nation and its future. Perhaps the place to start this rebuilding and reparation, as an example to those squabbling in the House, is round the dining room table?
• Kate Thompson is a couple psychoanalytic psychotherapist and clinical lecturer at Tavistock Relationships
