Asking for help is one of the first things we learn to do after we’re born. It’s also one of the things that’s hardest for many to do once they become adults. But that process of unlearning how to ask for help is not one that benefits us; in the long run, we hurt ourselves by isolating and not requesting assistance where we need it. No one is an island, after all. The people around us, in our lives and at our work, are resources, and we would all benefit from taking advantage of their presence and giving back when they, too, need a hand.
Deborah and Sophie are a mother-daughter duo who write books, give lectures, and do advocacy work on the topics of communication, leadership, mental health, and beyond. I recently sat down with the two of them to discuss their new book, Go To Help: 31 Strategies to Offer, Ask For, and Accept Help, and the two things that more of us need to work into our everyday lives: how to know when we need help, and how to go about asking for it.
What kind of problem do you have?
In order to fix a problem, you first need to identify what the problem is. Not just what the problem is, exactly, but what kind of problem it is, because that changes the kind of solution you need.
Deborah and Sophie describe two main categories of problems: technical and adaptive. Technical problems are ones that have a clear, single solution out there, and you need to find it, and then the problem will be fixed. Like a missing puzzle piece: once it’s located and put in place, there’s nothing else to do. In practice, this might be like asking for tech support. You’re not sure how to install a new program, how to get acquainted with a new technology, or how to fix something that’s broken on your laptop. These technical problems usually have single answers, and it can be slightly easier to learn how to ask for help to these. After all, most of us aren’t tech geniuses; it’s not hard for us to acknowledge when we need to go to the expert for help.
Where it gets tricky is when you have an adaptive problem, which is usually something that requires you to personally go through the process of discovering and implementing an answer. This requires personal reflection and insight. Asking an outside source for help in identifying ways to fix the issue is often the first step, but it generally isn’t the only one. When you know what the problem is, you can better find the person who can help you, Sophie pointed out.
But identifying which type of problem you have is where a lot of people get tripped up.
“A common example I have found with clients is that they come to me saying they need a time management strategy—as if it were a technical problem,” Deborah told me. “Like it can be solved with the right planner or binder, or by getting an executive assistant. But time management is not a technical problem—you need to experiment with different solutions and see what works. Something might work for six months, but you’ll have to figure out something again at that point. It’s a longer process without a simple solution.”
What stops people from asking for help?
I asked Deborah and Sophie what limiting beliefs or assumptions people have that keep them from asking for help when they should.
“One of the mindsets a lot of people have is that if they ask for help that they will be seen as incompetent or weak, and that they should be able to handle any problem themselves,” said Sophie. The two also explained that there is a stigma in many cultures against seeking help with mental health challenges, and that mindset can be hard to break free from.
One thing that can help encourage others to ask for help is for senior individuals in a company to model that behavior and normalize asking for help when it’s needed. The average employee will realize that “if the top person is doing this, then it makes sense I should be, too,” Sophie said. If even the person in power can’t do it alone, it creates a culture where people want to help each other and be helped in return.
What about those who pride themselves on their self-reliance? “The amazing thing about the human brain is that we can hold two opposing thoughts at the same time,” Sophie added. “It’s possible to hold the belief that you are independent and self-reliant while also acknowledging that assistance in certain areas will allow you to be even more successful.”
Time to pay it forward.
To close out our conversation, I asked Deborah and Sophie how people who mean well can be better helpers—particularly if they haven’t been all that helpful in the past.
One of the key ways that one can turn positive intentions to help into a real act is by offering not general or vague help—such as “I’m here anytime / for anything,” which is not specific enough for the person needing help to know what they mean—but specific things that might be of help. “Giving people too many choices leads to decision fatigue,” Deborah explained, in which they won’t actually take you up on your offer for help. But to give them an option or two, such as “if you need help organizing that folder,” or “if you are having a bad mental health day and want to talk, just call me,” the person will know without a doubt that you weren’t simply being nice and are willing to help with that specific thing.
And in general, the pair recommend paying attention to the times you have given help or advice and looking back to see if it turned out to actually be helpful. Then consider why it was or wasn’t. In some cases, you can even ask others to share a time where you were truly helpful to them, or a time when you tried to help but it turned out to be not what they wanted. Over time, Deborah pointed out, you’ll notice patterns emerge, and you can tweak your future help to others as a result.
But it’s important, the two caution, not to ask for feedback like this if you’re going to be defensive about honest criticism. “I was trying to help” is not the main thing that will matter to the person being helped. “If I could sum it up in one sentence,” Deborah said,” it’s that helpers need to recognize their help is judged on impact, not intention.”
