Take it for what it is
Coachella gets called out every year for being a corporate celeb-loving dude-fest where the crowd are more likely to look over their companion’s shoulder to spot a C-list television actor than they are to watch the bands, but that’s just not f... well, that’s entirely fair, because that’s what it is. But if you go with that in mind, you may also begin to appreciate all that’s pleasant about it: near-guaranteed sunshine, picturesque palm trees, a distinct lack of vomiting Brits and guest stars who are guaranteed to be starry, since LA’s only down the road. It’s not trying to be anything else, and that’s OK. Plus: Drake in the desert. You know it’s going to be incredible.
Driving is the easiest way
There will be yoga classes and coconut water and a general sense of wholesomeness and wellbeing, but this is California, so you must top that off by using up a ton of fuel to drive everywhere. If you’re staying in nearby Palm Springs, the Indio site is a hassle to access any other way, particularly when the music has finished for the evening (though for the terminally organised, there are shuttle buses). Don’t wait until 4am for a cab that costs $200 instead of $50 because you underestimated just how serious Uber were about their surge pricing. The party in the desert gets less fun when can’t leave.
Exercise selfie restraint
When even Coachella, the most natural environment for the self-promoting poseur, issues an edict banning selfie sticks, you know it’s time to consider retiring the duckface permanently.
Prepare for all weathers
Sandstorms provided perfect moody ambience for a Nick Cave set in 2013, but proved a gigantic pain for Pharrell in 2014, whose sound blew away with the swirling grit, which also ruined his voice. So while you feel smug about remembering sunscreen, bear in mind that it hurts to have half of the Coachella valley blowing into your face, so take something you can wrap around your mouth. This will have the added benefit of making you look like you’re going on a protest, even though you’re only really going to see if that was Leonardo DiCaprio watching Cage the Elephant in a bucket hat.
Drunkenness is hard to attain
You can’t drink alcohol in front of the stages. You can only buy it in special penned-off areas where you must stand to consume it, before you venture back out empty-handed to see some music. It’s probably great for avoiding booze-enhanced sunstroke, but you’re unlikely to go full Oliver Reed at any point over the weekend.
Embrace the bros
If you truly wish to assimilate to Coachella culture, adopt a pet dude who will show you the purest way. They’re easy to spot, because they’re dressed like a toxic hazard warning: neon sunglasses, neon bodypaint, glowsticks, muscles. They will know exactly when and where Duke Dumont/David Guetta/Porter Robinson is playing and though dance snobs may roll an eye, the EDM-heavy areas always look a lot more fun than a mass main stage Alabama Shakes singalong. Do not forget to water regularly.
Beware of cultural appropriation
Style trends from previous years suggest this may be more complicated than it actually is, but it’s not. Don’t wear a bindi. Don’t wear a native American headdress. There. Easy.
You’re not missing out on the VIP area
There’s a huge VIP area near the main stage, for which anyone can buy a ticket, so long as you’re willing to fork out twice the price of a regular ticket. There will not be any actual VIPs in there, because they’re all backstage, using artist passes, drinking free beer and coconut water and getting secretly excited that Chloë Sevigny is queuing for the bathroom in front of them but being far too cool to show it.
Find the Pink’s
The original Pink’s Hot Dog stand in LA is 76 years old, and has become such a tourist attraction that you’re unlikely to get one of their legendary hot dogs without a long wait. That is, unless you find Pink’s at Coachella, which is so out of the way that hardly anyone seems to know it’s there. All the chilli cheese dog, none of the wait.
If you want to hear it, get to the front
In previous years, the sound has been prone to shakiness, but the closer you are to the speakers, the less likely that is to matter. You’ve battled sand and selfies to see Drake, the Weeknd, Jack White, Tame Impala, Interpol, St Vincent, Ryan Adams and hundreds more, so, you know, make sure you can actually hear them.
