As Orlando Bloom emerges from the depths of his newfound bachelorhood to promote a new film, inevitable questions about his breakup have arisen (and been duly side-stepped). While he won’t go into details, he did provide one insight into his split with Katy Perry, stating; “it’s all love, you know?”. But alas, Orlando, I for one, do not know. As someone with at least two actively irate ex-boyfriends and a third who still harbours resentment regarding some “missing” jeans, I have a lot to learn about breaking up serenely, in an “it’s all love” kind of way. From what I’ve seen via friends and family, most of us aren’t fully aware of the rules and regulations of splitting up, so I took my queries to two experts; couple’s counsellor Hilda Burke, and relationship therapist, and former divorce lawyer, Joanna Harrison, to ask them How To Break Up.
Know That If You Want To Break Up, They Probably Do Too
Off the bat, before a word of separation is spoken, it’s important to know that if you want to break up, your partner probably (secretly, deep down) wants to too. As described by Burke, “If one person is unhappy in a relationship, generally speaking both are unhappy.” So, although ostensibly there’s a “dump-er” and a “dump-ee”, what separates one from the other is merely timing. While one reaches the end of the road, the other is often just stuck at a different point of processing, clinging to the status quo — less out of love, and more due to a fear of the unknown.
If one person is unhappy in a relationship, generally speaking both are unhappy. One may just be clinging on to the status quo
Choose Your Timing “Sensitively”
When it comes to the conversation itself, choose your moment wisely — preferably not while the other person is in the middle of shaving or a life crisis; although no moment will ever be perfect. As highlighted by Harrison, “Suddenly telling someone out of the blue at a really poor time is not going to support a helpful conversation about it, and thinking about the timing of that final conversation sensitively, is important.”
Brace Yourself
Regardless of how soft your tone is, how kind your words are, or how diplomatic your sentiment is, the other person is going to sit somewhere on the spectrum of resentment (despite probably knowing, on some level, that it’s for the best). Burke explained that it’s like getting sacked from a job you hated: “There can be that feeling of victimhood, and not being in control, kind of a loss of power”. A knee-jerk reaction of sorts, as the ego lashes out by way of anger, irritation, or name-calling. Instead of it originating from a place of heartbreak or sorrow, the source of this ire comes more from a place of pride in reaction to a wounded ego. Which, unpleasant as it can be, is good to be aware of in advance (irrespective of how mature your approach to ‘conscious uncoupling’ is). As described by Burke, “no matter how well you do it, no matter how honestly you do it…those emotions - that kind of ego damage, is going to be there.”
Get a Third Party to Mediate
Burke explained to me that a recurring frustration people share with her at the close of a relationship is that people feel, “that they haven’t spoken their piece, they haven’t got closure”. And as a result, having an appropriate forum to air grievances and mediate conflict can be a useful unburdening, of sorts. Whether it be a couple’s counsellor or a mutually trusted confidante, Burke conveyed that “to break up well can be really hard without that neutral outsider to facilitate it and to give both sides a hearing.”
Surround Yourself with Support
Specifically, the right people. Breaking up is hard, discombobulating, and slightly traumatic. Having a scaffolding team to keep you upright is, therefore, key. Harrison advises: “get support for yourself - from people who can listen compassionately. Some people can make it feel worse and it's okay to keep a distance from them while you recover”. Protect your bubble, maintain your peace, eat your ice cream.
Have Post-Split Contact Boundaries in Place
According to Burke, having conversations to decide how you want to handle communication in the aftermath of the break up is important. Specifically, Burke highlighted key questions such as: “What do we do about friend’s weddings, what do we do about birthdays, do we keep in contact, what does that look like? Do we want to be friends?” From when you talk, to if you talk, to what your reaction would be if the other texted - Burke explained that, “setting out…how you want things to be post-ending can be really helpful, even if your ex-partner isn’t on the same page”. A guide book, of sorts, of what to expect from each other in the aftermath (as long as no one goes rogue after a night on the wines).
To conclude: breakups are awful, crying is inevitable, and someone’s going to be called a dickhead at some point. BUT if you choose the right time, communicate respectfully, force a friend to be Switzerland, and mutually plan for an exit strategy, you might have a shot at reaching a mature and fair conclusion that doesn’t involve jean theft (sorry, Steve).
