We're losers, and we're not even good at that. Figures released this week show that 51% of parents agree that Britain "is a nation of bad losers", while around 80% of kids reported bad behaviour when their team lost – including crying, kicking, throwing fruit and locking themselves in the toilet (coincidentally, these are also the four stages of monkey grief). So, for the benefit of fruit-hurling sports brats everywhere, here's our guide to losing games without losing face:
Congratulate your opponents Be as friendly as you can. "You guys really pulled it out of the bag!" is a great line, combining warmth with subtle condescension.
Sing when you're losing Belt out We Aren't The Champions. The key is to sing it exactly as if you are the champions.
Congratulate your opponents' parents The younger you are, the more awesome this is. If you're under nine, try: "That son of yours sure can kick a ball." If you can raise an eyebrow while saying it, all the better.
Thank the referee Again, be as warm and friendly as you can: "That was a tough game but I think you did a fine job." If they're a teacher, try: "Hell, you could do this for a living some day."
Feign a limp Not exactly gracious but a good way of saving face. If people ask about the injury tell them it's nothing and you're sure they would've won anyway, probably.
