Photograph: Getty
I am so glad to see an article published about the impact of social media on pregnant people and new mothers (‘I felt doomed’: social media guessed I was pregnant – and my feed soon grew horrifying, 3 September). I say “mothers” as I noticed my husband was not subjected to the same algorithms that I was. I, too, found it completely overwhelming when I was pregnant and have come off all social media, as the suggested reels I was barraged with did nothing but create anxiety for me as a new parent.
I decided it was toxic messaging that I didn’t need to be privy to. As there are lots of positive things happening on social media – eg groups connecting you with local new mums – it was a shame to miss out on what could have been happening in my area.
I rejoined Facebook to connect with others after having a baby, but I was soon being spammed with nonsense (I remember a lot of reels claiming you hindered your baby’s development if they wore socks), which, in my sleep‑deprived and time‑rich state (ie during hours of breastfeeding at night), I would often find myself clicking on, and then be sent spiralling with worry, or comparing myself with the influencer mums. I didn’t need that negative influence in my life when I was trying to find my feet as a parent. Parents have enough to worry about.
Name and address supplied
• To avoid the exact situation described in this article, I made my husband do any and all pregnancy- and baby-related site viewing and searches under his profiles so that the algorithms wouldn’t know I was an almost-40-year-old woman trying to get pregnant. For the most part it worked. Seemed like an easy and helpful thing he could do for us as a family – and it was worth it.
I really struggled with all the “you should/shouldn’t be doing this” Instagram posts during my baby’s first year – to the point where it was making me doubt myself, so I just deleted the app. I bought a few trusty books and made a bunch of parent friends at my local early education centre, and I used them for advice. Focus on your baby and what they need, and when you don’t know something,, or think something is off, get help from a trusted source. Think of it this way – energy and time you are spending on social media is time spent removing energy and focus from being in tune with your baby and your family. Get off the apps.
Vera Santillana
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
• When I first read Kathryn Wheeler’s article, I had an “Aha” moment. As a clinical psychologist, I’ve seen many expectant and new moms with doomscrolling-induced anxiety. Social media has a knack for taking a normal worry and dialling it way up. As Kathryn noted, this is by design. Moms are especially vulnerable: during pregnancy and postpartum, the amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, is supercharged. This is nature’s way of making sure that new moms are aware of potential threats to their babies, but, online, it means lingering on scarier posts. Algorithms read that pause as a “like” and pile on more fear‑inducing content.
Worse still, the tech industry knows this. In 2012, the New York Times reported how Target figured out a teen was pregnant before her family did. If retailers used data like that over a decade ago, you can bet today’s platforms know exactly how to keep new moms hooked. Pair this with research showing that people in negative moods are more likely to make impulse purchases, and the design becomes clear: stoke fear, trigger clicks and sell more stuff. However, the cost is way higher than just a large credit card bill.
This cycle can worsen postpartum depression and anxiety. But let’s be realistic: completely unplugging can mean isolation and career setbacks, especially for new moms already at risk of feeling cut off. The real issue is that the system is designed to exploit moms’ most vulnerable moments. I’m with your writer that it is our social responsibility to protect vulnerable groups when they browse online.
Dr Alla Prokhovnik-Raphique
New York City, US
• I’m writing to share my personal experience of dealing with social media while pregnant and suffering a miscarriage. The algorithm guessed I was pregnant within days of me having a positive pregnancy test; I don’t know how this happened since I had never interacted with anything to do with pregnancies or babies before this. I wasn’t even really trying to get pregnant. I remember thinking: “What if I have a miscarriage and I keep having to see all of this stuff?” And that, unfortunately, is exactly what happened. It was so painful. And no matter how many times I went into my settings to tell it to not show me these ads, they kept coming. Eventually they stopped, but it took a good while of being off socials.
Lauren Fairley
Stockport, Greater Manchester
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