It should come as no surprise to readers of these pages that Pep Guardiola has copious amounts of food on his mind ahead of a big game.
Famously, earlier in his coaching career, the Manchester City boss was noted for not eating a morsel before kick-off on match day, such were his nerves.
The Manchester derby sets guts churning more than most fixtures, so you can bet Guardiola’s stomach was rumbling away as the sides lined up at Old Trafford before Saturday’s authoritative 2-0 victory.
“I think he will score goals all his life. At 75 years old, maybe he will be retired but in the barbeque he is going to play a game and he is going to score goals,” Guardiola told Sky Sport on Friday when he highlighted Cristiano Ronaldo’s prowess via a meditation on a hypothetical feast 40 years from now.
In all honesty, though, you can’t imagine Ronaldo puts on a great barbeque. The food would be unappealingly healthy, calories counted to single digits. Oh, and there’d be no pudding or sugary drinks anywhere.
It would probably be about as much fun as playing up front for Manchester United when City pop across town to complete 753 passes over the course of 90 minutes - the most any team has managed in a Premier League match since Opta started collecting pass data in 2003-04.
The flow of the game meant United managed a solitary shot on target, a firecracker volley on the turn by Ronaldo that was saved smartly by Ederson.
Manchester City’s goalkeeper is calm under pressure to the extent he’s slightly unnerving. Perhaps a bit mad and probably a very entertaining barbeque guest - arrives on a quad bike, asks to put more firelighters on the grill every five minutes, probably the first to suggest doing shots.
Not that Ronaldo would be likely to invite such a fun, upstaging presence. Portugal team-mates Bernardo Silva and Ruben Dias are probably off the guestlist too.
Bernardo followed his cutely finished goal by clattering through United’s number seven to collect the sort of yellow card that enhances such occasions, while Dias was at the heart of a City defence that limited the hosts to a paltry four touches inside the opposition penalty area.
They didn’t have many touches of any consequence at all. And that was part of Guardiola’s plan.
"You have to put the ball in the fridge. A lot of passes, a lot of passes,” he told Sky Sports afterwards.
“Everyone has to be in their position. When you move much, not good. The ball comes where we are."
Come to think of it, Ronaldo maybe shouldn’t invite Guardiola, the inventor of this fantasy barbeque. There’ll be nowhere to put your drinks once he’s filled the bottom shelves with size five matchballs and he’ll be pestering guests to make sure the distances between each of them are optimal at all times.
What’s more, he’s probably come up with a plan to starve the septuagenarian striker of scoring opportunities already.
As Guardiola’s interview continued, he spoke in detail about United’s threat on the counter-attack and in transitions, and how he had to combat it. He was similarly forthcoming over the Reds’ myriad qualities during his pre-match press conference.
These utterances are the sort of things that are instantly seized upon after a poor City result and cited as classic Guardiola “overthink”. But if the alternative is what Solskjaer is serving up lately, then sign me up for decades of overthinking.
The manner of defeat to City was different to how United went down against Liverpool on their own patch two weeks ago but no less damning. Against Jurgen Klopp’s team they tried all-out attack and were cut apart; when faced with Pep’s pass masters they played possum and were apologetic in everything they did.
Solskjaer is the guy who turns up to the barbeque with burgers but no rolls. His beers are warm and there’s nothing he can do about that because Guardiola has stuck footballs in the fridge.
So long as United are so reactive they will remain at the mercy of City, feeding off scraps as Guardiola’s grand plans keep the Blues dining at the top table.
Do you think Pep Guardiola would be good company at a barbeque? Follow City Is Ours editor Dom Farrell on Twitter to join in the conversation and let us know your thoughts in the comments below
