FRIDAY NIGHT AND THE LIGHTS ARE LOW
And so it is with huge fanfare that football on a Friday night begins, except we can’t just refer to it as “football on a Friday night”, because “football on a Friday night” incorporates neither unnecessary capitals nor unnecessary acronym, and how else to assert requisite IMPORTANCE and HYPE? Thus did the nation’s smartest branding brains simply look at America, see what they did, and copy it, concocting the incredibly catchy Friday Night Football, FNF for short. How do they even think of these things?
Not everyone is happy about this new institution. For some, getting to the game is a problem and for others the game at that time of the week just isn’t what’s done because it’s not what was ever done (apart from when it was). Moreover, it also frees up Saturday and Sunday for the being of normal, and who could possibly want that? On the other hand, those in favour see a perfect start to the weekend: a night game which removes the yoke of football from other weekend festivities, even if it does free up Saturday and Sunday for the being of normal, and who could possibly want that?
And if things weren’t already special enough, tonight will see the presentation of the season’s first and most prestigious trophy, in honour of Manchester United’s triumphant transfer window; the glory, glory days of the Lord Ferg era are surely back at Old Trafford. Quite what the man himself makes of it all no one quite knows, but chances are that with Rafael and Ji-Sung Park unavailable, he will concede that José Mourinho had no choice but to resort to Paul Pogba. Either way, selling him for £0 and buying him back for £93m, as the most expensive player of all-time, represents a coup of quite staggering audacity.
But for sure no one else at Old Trafford minds, thanks to Pogba’s footballing genius at being marketable, a highlight-reel hero of the selfie generation. Adidas are excited, Nissin Noodles are excited and Mr Potato is carnally excited; why else would a football club exist? Rumours abound that Pogba is actually quite good at doing things which aren’t having haircuts, earning money and scoring amazing goals, but it’s impossible to circumvent stereotype and attention span to find out.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Rob Smyth for minute-by-minute coverage of Manchester United 1-0 Southampton at 8pm UK time.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“What happened is I hit a pillar - that’s the reality. How it happened is hard to say. It was one of those days. We were just getting out of the car park and talking about the game and suddenly I just heard ‘careful’ and that was it! Nothing happened to anyone just the car probably is not happy with me” – having watched Philippe Coutinho crash one in at his near post, Petr Cech reveals he then crashed one into a near post. The ‘one’ being his car as he made his way out of the Emirates last Sunday.
FIVER LETTERS
“I take umbrage at the Sheffield United fan criticising the player of my beloved Southend United for having his own name tattooed on his face (yesterday’s letters). I think it’s a sign that Nile Ranger is showing a growing maturity and consideration for others he has been so sadly lacking up until now that he wants to help us remember who the hell he is when he eventually stops being perma-knacked” – Sam Carpenter .
“Post match in the Griffin pub (200 imperial yards from the ground) on Tuesday night following Brentford v Nottingham Forest we were celebrating our hard-fought 1-0 win when in walks legendary 70s pop star Leo Sayer. All talk of our hard-fought win vanished and talk turned to whether said Leo was moonlighting or did we feel like dancing. Can any other readers beat that for a post match celeb in the pub?”– Eamonn Sylvester.
“I have been reading The Fiver for five years. I’m not proud of this. Yesterday, I think for the first and only time, I actually laughed out loud. The Fiver’s diary of Shane Duffy Blackeye Rovers was funny. Could one of 1,057 pendants out there please analyse these numbers. I need some cold hard maths to understand this. I actually laughed. Please help me” – Andrew Hill (and no others).
“Following on from the riff of the ‘free’ eight, and the ‘invisible’ six (Fiver passim), may I nominate Joe Hart as the ‘lonesome’ one?” – Dev Kapadia.
“I’d like to point out that Jürgen Klopp wouldn’t have to put up a strong defence of Alberto Moreno (yesterday’s bits and bobs) if Alberto Moreno had put up a strong defence against Arsenal. Shall I queue up behind the 1,056 pedants on this one?” – Joel Atkin.
“I’d just like to be one of 1,057 pedants to point that if Paolo Bandini downloaded some of the Italian football knowledge stored in his head, someone must have written it prior to him accessing it. You meant ‘uploaded’, not ‘downloaded’” – Richard Cairns (and no others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Pep Guardiola will not stand in Joe Hart’s way if the goalkeeper wants to find a new home for his gloves. “I don’t want players who are unhappy,” said Pep, to the background noise of Yaya Touré packing his bags.
Mauricio Pochettino could be on the trapeze any time soon. “We need to be like jugglers in the circus,” honked Tottenham’s Poch, bemoaning Spurs’ fixture congestion.
Crystal Palace’s Connor Wickham may finally have a partner for shooting drills in training, after the club agreed a £27m fee with Liverpool for Christian Benteke.
José Mourinho has downplayed Paul Pogba’s talents ahead of his Premier League debut tonight. “He’s one of the best midfield players – maybe the best in the world,” parped Mourinho.
Danny Drinkwater is set to follow the trail lit by Riyad Mahrez and Jamie Vardy by committing his future to the Premier League champions.
Arsène Wenger remains on the hunt for a capable centre-back, with José Giménez an option according to someone or other.
Sunderland’s Younès Kaboul wants to fire himself out of the door marked Do One, with Watford poised to make him summer signing No6.
All Sean Dyche wants is for people to have a little perspective. “In the Premier League world, the numbers that get bandied around for us seem really small,” he sobbed. “But they are actually big for a club like Burnley.”
And last but not least, Queen’s Celtic captain Scott Brown has retired from international duty. Yep.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend fresh out of the oven.
You want a Sid Lowe preview of La Liga? There you go.
Dead clever Sunderland tyro Duncan Watmore tells Louise Taylor about how he’s debunking myths about the modern pro.
LA Galaxy are living in a Robbie Keane world,writes Graham Ruthven, which all sounds very Madonna.
Twenty years on, Rob Smyth recalls David Beckham’s halfway pop against Wimbledon in the latest of our Golden Goal series.
Richard Williams gets stuck into Arsenal by pointing out that Arsenal don’t get stuck in much these days.
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