CHARLES : Welcome to Clarence House, Mr President.
TRUMP: Thank you Prince Clarence, you and your lovely wife Diana have a beautiful home.
So much nicer than that dump of a house I have to live in. Do you get Fox News here?
CHARLES: It’s Charles, Mr President. And… well, never mind. No we don’t have Fox News. How are you enjoying your visit to London so far?
TRUMP: Believe me, your majesty, this city is tremendous. But since the English people love me so much, I thought there’d be YUGE crowds on the street waiting to see me. Is Buckingham Palace in one of Sadiq Khan ’s ‘no-go areas?’
CHARLES: No, Mr President. In fact, I dearly hope to live there myself one day, if the current tenants ever move on. Actually, there was one thing I wanted to bring up. You’ve been decidedly beastly to my daughter-in-law.
TRUMP: Listen your Prince-ness, I didn’t say - and by the way, the fake news media will never tell you what I actually said - I didn’t say Meghan was nasty. I said I didn’t know that Meghan was nasty. That’s totally different from saying she was nasty, even though she was totally nasty about Donald Trump.
CHARLES: No, Mr President. My other daughter-in-law. Kate. The one you tweeted about when someone took her photograph on a topless beach. Something about her having “only herself to blame”?
TRUMP: Ab. So. Lutely. Who wouldn’t want to see that? She's a Princess after all.
CHARLES: Would you like to see topless pictures of your daughter in the press?
TRUMP: Yes. I mean. No. No. Definitely not. Fake news. Next question.
CHARLES: OK then, let’s talk about global warming. Since you pulled out of that Paris Climate accord thingy the world is getting warmer and the sea levels are rising.
TRUMP: Hey look, Lord of Wales. If I can turn the White House into a beachfront property, it’ll send the value through the roof.
And frankly, your country is nice, but it could do with a little warming up. Imagine if your mom’s house could have a golf course overlooking the sea. Maybe some palm trees.
It would be just like Mar-A-Lago. Only not quite as nice. Mar-A-Lago has more gold stuff. I love gold stuff.
CHARLES: And I suppose you’ve got an opinion of who should be the next Prime Minister of our country, too.
TRUMP: Mr Prince, I think you should get someone with big, fluffy blonde hair, who speaks his mind, doesn’t think too much, has had loads of different wives and isn’t sure about the Muslims.
CHARLES: You mean…
TRUMP: That’s right. I think I should be your next Prime Minister. I think the door of Number 10 would look much better gold.
