My parents divorced when I was five. I still remember the night they sat me and my sisters down, and Dad told us that he and Mum didn’t love each other any more. I remember clinging on to his hand as he walked down the stairs on the day he left home, and afterwards crying to my mother late at night about how I missed him.
I am now in my mid-20s. When I was a teenager, Mum told me they divorced because he had been unfaithful. She said he had been under a lot of pressure at work, but that when her father died, she needed to support her mother, and my father felt he wasn’t getting the emotional help he needed.
I have never spoken to him about this – so many years have passed – and I want to know how I should go about it now. He is a complex man – highly intelligent, but emotionally immature. My guess is he could quickly become defensive and angry. But I have been carrying my own feelings with me for most of my life, and think I deserve a proper explanation. He has never had to account for his behaviour to the one most affected by it, and that feels wrong. I’m also at the stage in life when I am considering becoming a father, and can’t understand how he could make a decision that would lead to him not seeing his own every day. He remarried years ago and has a daughter with his new wife (not the woman he was unfaithful with). I resent that he has another chance at a family life, while I still struggle with anxiety and insecurity, which may be caused by his abandonment of my sisters and me.
I should add that he has always been part of my life, and I know he loves me and my sisters deeply. I am angry with him, but I also want to hear his perspective on what happened.
I think what you are asking is understandable and admirable, but you need to approach it differently. Rather than looking for him to “account for his behaviour”, try to think of it as finding out more about your father. I can totally understand your motivation. But I want you to get a conversation going so you can get answers; if you make him defensive, I fear you may feel even worse.
It is easy to vilify the person who has been unfaithful, but it’s often they who are firing the distress flare on a relationship that is already in trouble. I think your mother has hinted at this. But your parents must take responsibility for their behaviour, and it sounds as if your mother was left behind to pick up the pieces. That she didn’t tell you the details until you were old enough to handle them is laudable. As you are getting older, perhaps you are realising that relationships are trickier than they seem when you are a child. I’m impressed you want to get another point of view on this, and are employing some critical thinking in a situation that clearly still causes you angst.
You have asked me how to start this conversation; unravelling family history and, perhaps, challenging what you think you know, is rarely a one-off event. These conversations take time, and require building up to.
Of course your father doesn’t want to raise this. I would imagine he carries a lot of guilt. Start the conversation slowly, and when you are both at ease (side-by-side conversations often work best in these situations, rather than the intensity of face-to-face). You know your father best: when does he talk most openly (even if it’s relative)? Could you say something honest like, “I’d like to be a dad one day – what was it like for you when you first became a father?” and build up from there. As I said, it may take a few conversations. If your father becomes defensive and angry, then pause and say, “I can see this is causing you pain, but it’s causing me pain, too. How can we help each other?” But try not to be afraid of his anger and defensiveness – think of them as layers that you have to get through. It might be an idea to discuss what happened before you get into how it made you feel.
I had a situation in my own family; something that happened when I was the age you were when your father left. In the end I talked – over some years – to all but one of the people involved. Doing that really helped the adult me lift the child me out of the situation I had found myself in. What once burned a hole in my heart doesn’t touch me any more. I have simply folded it into my family history.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article.
