Hi Eva,
After a couple of years of figuring out what I want from a relationship after ending the last one, and a couple of near-misses, I met someone online who I really like. So far, so good.
But since then things have gotten a bit odd. After a good bit of chatting online, we met up. The original plan was to have a drink, but instead we had dinner at mine and he spent the night. I don’t think either of us really intended for it to go so fast, so far, but it wasn’t at all unpleasant, just somewhat out of sequence.
Since then, we’ve barely spoken and haven’t seen each other again. Just when I was ready to write the whole thing off, he visited my profile again, and “liked” me. So I wrote and asked if he was willing to try again, since we seemed to have bollixed things up a bit. He responded that he had enjoyed the evening, but since he was feeling a bit “unsettled” right now, he wanted to leave things for a little while.
I have no idea what to do. I see him on the site fairly often, but he isn’t in touch with me. If he were really uninterested, wouldn’t he just knock it on the head? And if he were truly interested, wouldn’t he be in touch more often than every four days or so?
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Dear Eva,
I met a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago and we’ve been talking ever since, we got on really well and he seemed keen to meet me. We met up last week for a first date and it all seemed to go really well, since the date I’ve sent him a few texts and he hasn’t replied. Can’t help but think I sound crazy, is it mad that I’m upset he’s not replying? Why am I feeling so attached to someone I barely know?
Hey, both of you.
I hope you don’t mind me answering your letters in the same column: I think it’s useful not just because you’re presenting similar quandaries, but because it demonstrates that you are not alone. My gosh! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
There is nothing that leaves you questioning your judgment, behavior and dignity quite like someone who goes cold from hot, like a shower when an inconsiderate roommate has flushed the toilet. It can also make you feel like you’ve been flushed down a toilet.
The reason I think it happens when people meet online so much more often than when they meet in the wild is this: many people who start dating online want a relationship in principle – that’s why they’re on the sites and apps, of course – but they don’t really know what they want in practice. They’re using online dating to test the waters. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with that, but it can hurt if you’re the water being tested.
Sometimes, having the experience of a wonderful date with someone will help us to realize exactly what we do want, and that it’s with that person, but it can also make us feel filled with self-doubt. Going back to the problem-solving model of internet dating that I’ve mentioned before – need partner, get partner, happily ever after, like Seamless for people – it no longer surprises me when people kick things off with intensity and then back away with equal speed. If you take a fast food approach to online dating, expecting to have your desire for love and companionship satisfied immediately, then you’re likely to end up like someone who’s noshed at McDonald’s: still hungry, maybe with a touch of heartburn.
Now, how to move forward after these dispiriting engagements (or, you know, non-engagements).
First: in neither case are these men worth pursuing. I’m sorry! But the truth is that if they are leaving you feeling insecure, crazy or upset after the first date, they are not going to make you feel good in the long run, even if they resurface.
Second: it is not your fault! If someone vanishes on you after a good first date you can be sure it has everything to do with that person’s previous years of existing and feeling and interacting with other people, and little to do with the handful of hours that you spent together. So do not take one disappointing encounter with a relative stranger as a reason to beat yourself up.
Third: do not lose hope, but commit to giving yourself a bit more control. Both of you have in common a real desire to connect with someone, and that is not crazy: it is human and wonderful and valuable to be able to recognize in yourself. Allowing yourself the vulnerability of hope is brave, and in the long run it is what’s going to allow you to really love someone.
That said, maybe in both of these cases it would be good to maintain a bit more self-protection early on. It’s not mad to feel wild about someone who you’ve just met – it’s happened to all of us – but it’s wise to work on creating a situation that will help you to maintain some distance if a person fails to live up to their potential.
If you can, instead of asking yourself why a relative stranger isn’t that into you, try to focus on what the encounter taught you about yourself - you really fancy men with mustaches, you couldn’t love anyone who doesn’t love cats - and apply that self-knowledge to your encounters with the next people you meet.
I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth reiterating: but if you are looking for a serious relationship, make a commitment to yourself to not hooking up with someone on the first date. Not because hooking up with someone on the first date is “bad” (you’re an adult, sex is great, do what you want) but because it feels a lot crueller to be rejected by someone with whom you’ve been physically intimate than with someone you’ve chatted with over a Frappuccino.
For me, this means postponing sex until I don’t feel any anxiety of morning-after “but will they respect me?”. If this means avoiding sultry first-date situations and going for a froyo by the glaring light of day, then insist on it. If you suggest this and the person you’re meeting requires sultry first-date situation, then maybe you’ll know that your intentions are not aligned.
Love,
Eva
