“One particular friend has been unbelievably amazing,” says Sarah. “She has a high-powered job and two small children, yet she found time to ring me nearly every day of the six weeks between my diagnosis and my surgery. That meant a lot to me.”
Sarah (not her real name), a teacher and mother-of-two, spotted a lump while on holiday but was not too concerned when she went to get it checked out in September. She describes the moment her doctor told her she had cancer as “like being hit by a ton of bricks”.
An MRI scan picked up two more lumps and the following month she underwent a mastectomy.
News of a cancer diagnosis like Sarah’s is usually a terrible shock, not only to patients, but also to those they are close to. It’s a situation some friends handle better than others. “People desperately want to help but often don’t know where to start,” says Martin Ledwick, Cancer Research UK’s head information nurse. “They have their own fears and misconceptions about cancer, and they can be worried they’ll put their foot in it.”
So what’s the best way to support a friend with cancer? Perhaps the single most important thing to do is to be there for them. “Sometimes we hear from patients that people they thought were good friends are avoiding them,” says Ledwick. “This is largely because those people find it difficult to cope with the news and don’t know what to do, but it’s important not to ignore it, or pretend it’s not happening.”
Sarah, who lives with her husband and their two children, strongly agrees. “The worst thing you can do is be shy or scared or cut that person out,” she says. “Even if you say the wrong thing, it’s better than not saying anything.”
Being there for your friend does not mean turning up unannounced on their doorstep. When you do visit, take your cues from them about what is most helpful at that moment. “Sometimes being a good friend means providing tea and sympathy,” says Ledwick, “but sometimes he or she will want to have a laugh, be distracted or go out shopping.”
While some may not always want to discuss their illness, doing so can be hugely beneficial. “I felt like I had this darkness inside me,” says Sarah. “For me, talking about it was a way to combat that, to disempower that, to let those dark thoughts out.”
In some cases, your friend with cancer might be protecting his or her partner, parents or children from the worst of the news or their darkest fears. If so, a sympathetic ear outside the family may be even more important.
If you take the time to reach out to your friend, you’re probably giving them a boost, but bear in mind not all forms of communications are equal. “I found telling people really hard, so I ended up informing some friends by email,” says Sarah.
“Some of them didn’t ring, they just emailed back. Others just texted. I get that we’re all busy, but some people found the time. I just wanted them to ring up and say: ‘That’s awful, I’m so sorry, I love you.’”
If you are seeing your friend or are speaking on the phone, there are times when you should resist the instinct to put a positive spin on things, no matter the true situation. Acknowledging their worries and fears is often more helpful than saying: “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine.”
Beware too of leaping in with suggestions about apparently beneficial diets or radical new treatments – bear in mind your friend may be getting a lot of well-meaning advice. Another common response to avoid is describing someone else’s experience of cancer. “When I didn’t know what my journey was going to be, I found that difficult because how could I know if those things would apply to me or not,” says Sarah.
Some friends may have the self-awareness to realise that empathy isn’t their strong suit. There are of course many practical things you can do to make life easier for a friend with cancer. That could involve helping with the school run, getting the groceries or ferrying them to hospital. On the night before her surgery, for example, a group of Sarah’s friends delivered a huge box of food, including a lasagne, pots of roasted vegetables, soup and a particularly good lentil dal.
Knowing how best to support a friend with cancer isn’t easy, especially for those with a tendency to shy away from emotional conversations. There are however plenty of good sources of useful information out there, such as cancer charity and government web pages dedicated to the topic.
Things are looking up for Sarah. Tests show her cancer hasn’t spread to other parts of her body and the chances of it returning in the next decade are less than one in 10. She’s grateful for the support she received, and while she of course would rather not have gone through the whole experience, she feels her understanding of friendship is better for it.
“It’s taught me a lot about what it is to be a good friend,” she says. “When your friends do things that show they are there for you, it empowers you and gives you energy. People just finding the time to show they cared was probably the single most important thing for me.”
CRUK has a dedicated About Cancer section of its website, which provides clear advice on supporting someone with cancer, as well as an interactive community discussion forum, Cancer Chat – so no question you have about cancer goes unanswered
