Dear Coleen,
My problem involves my 39-year-old daughter and my granddaughter, 19. The two of them have fallen out and aren’t talking at the moment.
My daughter is angry because my granddaughter is pregnant and intends to keep the baby and move in with her boyfriend and his family.
I understand her frustration – she had my granddaughter at 20 and struggled as a single mum, working all hours to pay for clubs and activities, and give her the best she could.
She even secured a bursary for her at a performing arts school when she was 13 as she’s a talented singer and actress.
I suppose my daughter feels let down and as if all her efforts were pointless.
I’m very sad about the situation as they’ve always been close – but every time I try to bring it up with either of them they say it’s nothing to do with me. Neither is being very grown up or sensible about this.
I feel what’s done is done and we have to just get on with it and be happy about the new arrival, but my daughter refuses to discuss it. Fortunately, the boy’s parents are supportive and I’ve been in touch with his mum quite a lot. How can I help to break the deadlock?
Coleen says
It is sad that they’ve fallen out. As a parent myself I can see why your daughter is frustrated and feeling worried.
She knows from experience how tough it can be as a young parent and that it’s easy to put your own dreams and ambitions to one side.
However, she also has to accept this is her daughter’s life and she has to be allowed to make her own decisions.
It might help to remind your daughter that she came to you, looking for support and reassurance, when she found out about her own pregnancy, and that’s what her daughter needs right now.
I agree with you, there’s obviously no turning back the clock, so it’s important to focus on the present because this situation really is what you make it. The positive thing to do would be to join forces and rally around your granddaughter and her boyfriend and figure it out together. There’s no reason why, at 19, your granddaughter can’t pick up her studies again and forge a wonderful career.
So, nothing your daughter has struggled to give her has been in vain. Hopefully, with a bit of time, your daughter will calm down and get some perspective, and realise it’s simply not worth alienating her daughter.
If there’s a way that you can all get together to talk, with you acting as the mediator, that would be the best thing to do.
Don’t come down on one side or the other but help them to see each other’s point of view.
