Dear Eva,
Since my divorce a more than a year ago (from a relationship lasting just under half my life), I have been dating online for about eight months. I have tried to address the divorce in my profile in as positive a way as I can, especially as I am still young (34) and not that common in my demographic online. I have met a couple dozen women (aged 22 to 35), and get about four unsolicited emails a week.
While I am consistently getting second dates (and a couple of times for longer, platonically, which developed into friendships), more recently, the dates have been fewer, and I am not getting responses to the messages I send to my target demographic; though I am ostensibly getting closer to meeting similar-minded women. As you have said in a previous answer, it is not necessarily a numbers game, and I want to make sure the correct filters are there.
I was wondering three things:
- Is the divorced status likely to be a deal-breaker in a lot of cases?
- Is there anything I can do in my profile to improve my response rate
- Is there anything one can do about making the whole experience less artificial, and more enduring and amenable to something longer term?
One thing I will say about online dating is that it is worth persisting with. I have found my social life in general has improved as an indirect result. I look sharper, and my confidence has soared at work.
Hey, you.
Is it creepy to say that I would go on a date with you if we lived in the same city? I mean, I’m not sure that we would be together forever, but to me you seem like a pretty appealing prospect for women of my demographic: in my early 30s, interested in a serious relationship with someone who is mature, has a well-established career, some good interests and a sense of humor. Not to mention a nice and positive outlook about dating online!
I did some market research (talked to my lady friends), and everyone was in agreement that at this age we don’t necessarily see a divorce as a deal-breaker – at least it signifies that a man has the desire to make a real commitment, ever if it didn’t work out with the person he originally committed to. A guy who has no evidence of a past long-term relationship at age 34 is a lot more risky.
That said, there’s no question that the word “divorce” is a bit stigmatized. Regular readers will know that I’m an advocate of truth, but in this case I think you could change your marital status from “divorced” to “single”. Because you are, right? This isn’t a government document, and I see nothing wrong with sharing this particular bit of your life experience on a first date rather than on your profile, which in its current form may give some women the impression that you’re preoccupied with your last relationship and not ready to move on. Yes, you may still come across the odd person who freaks out when they learn you’re divorced, but you’re not going to get along with her, anyway. So: try rewriting without reference to your divorce and see if that improves your response rate. I think it will!
Now, as for removing the artificiality of the whole procedure: I think the answer is to slow it down. This may seem a little counterintuitive – the whole point of meeting people online is efficiency, right? – but the truth is that the chance you’ll meet someone for a drink one time and know that they’re going to be your one and only is kind of slim. Let’s be honest: we can decide pretty quickly if we want to sleep with someone. But for those of us who want to be in a relationship, dating online creates a strange kind of pressure to decide on the spot whether we can imagine ourselves spending the rest of our lives with a person with whom we’ve spent an hour. Maybe this rush to judgement leads to some lost opportunities, especially when we’re a bit older, have ex-partners to compare potential partners with, and are less inclined to just follow our loins than we were at 20.
I’m not saying that you need to go out with someone a dozen times if you don’t find them exciting. But if you find a person at least a bit intriguing, consider the importance of more than one meeting before you call time on it, even if you’re not infatuated – and make sure those meetings are happening outside classic sexy hours if you want to start establishing some real emotional intimacy before it gets physical.
This is not to say that sleeping with someone an hour after you meet them is never a route to lasting love; it just isn’t as often as we might like to do it.
Love,
Eva
