Super start to the debates! So proud to show the world my own gorgeous, awesomely talented guy. Everyone laughed even when he was not telling a joke!
Of course Bozzie kicked himself for letting the dreadful ITV woman talk over him, Dom says she’d better be fucking careful there are some fucking vicious people out there. I said well at least nobody mentioned a certain really awful woman.
Bozzie: “Who?”
Me: “Is it true you sang her Jerusalem in your boxers while she waved a flag of St George, because I thought that was our own very special thing – ”
Bozzie: “Be reasonable Ottie, never Jerusalem, never in Shoreditch, that is, we never met, you’re hallucinating, so if you’d just top us up before you go – whoah, easy on the water – remember you’ve got beaucoup de confiture to make demain.”
Me: “What?”
Dom: “Oh just fuck off sunshine.”
Bozzie: “Ottiewotty, the jam I promised old Steptoe as a man of my word, acta non verba, come on, make jam for your Bozzikins, Marina said it was simplicity itself, mind she is a QC – ”
Me (taking his glass): “Get your ancient tech adviser to do it.”
B: “Actually she said it filled her with deep womanly fulfilment. That is she would if I’d ever met her, which – ”
Me (taking aim): “How dare you! I’m 31! I don’t even know what a damson is!”
B: “Yaroo.”
The jam’s almost ready. Bozzie’s right: you get it from Fortnum’s, stick on labels saying “Get Brexit Done” and smear loads on the jars so people know it’s 100% legit. Then you show Bozzie how you’ll smash the whole lot on his head unless he tells everyone you’re his chief brand detoxifier. Super!
As told to Catherine Bennett
