Nike commercials before a World Cup are a bit like C-list celebrities switching on the Christmas lights: they promise the arrival of a wonderful event but often turn out to be a bit of a shambles.
No previous Nike campaign, however, has stumbled so spectacularly as this year's three-minute epic. Wayne Rooney, Didier Drogba and Cristiano Ronaldo, among others, line up for key shots in the tournament, fluff them, are mocked and ridiculed, before suddenly – guess what? – it turns out to be a kind of dream. In reality they score and everyone wants to have sex with them. Rooney's appearance is particularly bizarre: under tabloid attack, he ends up living in a caravan and sporting that essential sign of miserable failure – a beard. Homer Simpson shows up at one point, underlining the ghastly truth that Nike is actually trying to be funny.
This feels wrong. Nike founder Phil Knight launched the company in 1964 in imitation of Adidas, the shoe giant created by Nazi party member Adolf Dassler. Thus, trainer commercials over the last 30 years have tended to resemble Leni Riefenstahl's film of the 1936 Berlin Olympics with its übermenschen. Watching Nike use Homer Simpson is a little like watching the Terminator tap dance through Putting on the Ritz.
Previous ads have foundered on the Curse of Nike – other spots included Eric Cantona, who was promptly dropped, and Dennis Bergkamp, before Holland failed to qualify. This year we see basketball player Kobe Bryant, most famous in Europe for a sexual assault case that was later dropped; Franck Ribéry, banned from the Champions League Final and interviewed by police as a witness in an investigation into underage prostitution; and Ronaldinho, who was too old to make this year's Brazil squad.
Slightly unfairly, the curse has embraced ITV. The broadcaster debuted the ad during the Champions League final, but somehow managed to cut Nike's name off the end. Nike and ITV have reportedly agreed compensation in the shape of an undisclosed number of free ad slots, proving just how dangerous it is to put out a multimillion-dollar sporting god commercial featuring a man whose catchphrase is "Doh!"
