God hath forsaken Russell Wilson.
Those are not my words. They are the words of Aaron Rodgers, arguably the greatest quarterback of his generation and, more importantly, a man of God. Following Green Bay’s win over Russell Wilson and the Seahawks on Sunday, Rodgers jabbed his fellow QB by saying: “I think God was a Packers fan tonight.”
If true, that signals a dramatic turn of events in the eight months since God famously puppeteered the Seahawks to a win over the Packers in the NFC title game. There also is a strong case to be made that God has stopped helping Wilson win football games. After the NFC Championship came a game-losing interception at the goal line in the Super Bowl – three steps after which God had a chat with Wilson – and now an 0-2 start to the 2015 season. Off the field, while it’s apparently OK for Rodgers to have sex “as much as [he] can” with Olivia Munn, God personally (divinely?) told Wilson in a dressing room backstage on a R&B tour to not make the beast with two backs with his girlfriend Ciara.
That’s a tough break.
And while some may scoff at the idea of God chatting up QBs on the field after they throw picks and deciding the outcome of games, most would not. According to a 2015 study by the Public Religion Research Institute, most Americans (53%) and most sports fans (56%) believe God rewards faithful athletes with “good health and success.” Those numbers jump into the 60s for those who identify as Catholic or evangelical Protestants. And more than one-quarter of Americans and sports fans say God determines the outcome of specific games.
The Bible doesn’t have a lot to say on sports. There are several verses about “running races,” but not anything on how or if God handicaps games. The Quran promotes a healthy and fit lifestyle, but offers no sports analysis. Same with the Torah. And the Hindu and Buddhist faiths, with their messages of non-violence, don’t offer too much for the American pastime of smashmouth, tackle football.
Also, if God is blessing the careers of the devout and winning them games, it’s hard to figure why Tim Tebow can’t even get a third-string job in a league in which the likes of Brandon Weeden, Kirk Cousins, Sam Bradford and Ryan Mallett are starting. Or why Notre Dame hasn’t won a championship since 1988, getting blown out 42-14 in 2013 in their last shot, the trophy going to the tiny ball of hate that is Nick Saban before a huge audience. And if God helps the devout win games, will He help the devout win at fantasy sports? Where does God’s desire to impact frivolous diversions end? (God, if you’re reading this – and I know you may be, since you’re apparently a big sports fan – if you let me win big money on FanDuel this week, I promise to tithe 10%.)
All those questions aside, numbers are numbers: the majority of fans are in lock-step with Russell Wilson in believing God rewards athletes. So let’s all assume that is true for a moment and ask why NFL pregame shows do not employ a God Analyst in-studio. They tell us the weather and which backups are injured, but they don’t give us any info on who an all-powerful being may make win? Is that not insane to anyone else? Shouldn’t that really be the ONLY thing they tell us? “Thanks for the update on Cutler’s hamstring, Jim. But let’s now turn to all that really matters: Who The Omnipotent Being In The Sky will choose.” With that in mind, let’s try to determine which teams God will get Ws for in Week 3 NFL action.
Thursday
Washington at New York Giants
God isn’t real big into greed if you read the Ten Commandments. Therefore, you have to think Dan Snyder’s team will be smited in this one.
Sunday
Jaguars at Patriots 2 Timothy 2:5 says: “Anyone who competes as an athlete does not receive the victor’s crown except by competing according to the rules.” If that’s true, the Patriots clearly have never cheated because if they had, they never would have been awarded the victor’s crown by God. And they have four victor’s crowns. Vindication! And a sure sign the Jaguars won’t win on Sunday.
Raiders at Browns “Blessed are the meek.” Both of these franchises are historically meek. This game will end in a tie.
Steelers at Rams The Old Testament is pretty clear on this: If you want to win favor with God, sacrifice a ram. What more motivation could the Steelers need? Pittsburgh in a rout.
Saints at Panthers You’d think a team called the Saints would get to go 19-0 every year. However, the Bible says that God tests his believers, but will never give them more than they can bear. An 0-2 start and a banged-up Drew Brees seems close to being more than a team can bear. Expect New Orleans to be handed the grace of a win here.
Eagles at Jets Pope Francis is going to be in Philadelphia this weekend. I can’t think of a better way to communicate love and mercy to a hopeless people than by giving Eagles fans a win in the wake of God’s representative on Earth visiting their town.
Colts at Titans Andrew Luck looks like a leper. It’s time he’s healed with a win.
Bengals at Ravens Things haven’t been going well for the Ravens since God’s official linebacker retired. Look for them to keep losing until they stock up on officially licensed God players again.
Falcons at Cowboys The Cowboys have had a lot of injuries this year. Look for that to continue on Sunday when God realizes this game is keeping a lot of people home from church and begins raining thunderbolts down on Jerry Jones’ cathedral of excess. Falcons easily breeze by the decimated Cowboys.
Buccaneers at Texans Texans head coach Bill O’Brien takes the Lord’s name in vain. A lot. Tampa Bay get the win.
Chargers at Vikings All of the Viking gods are dead. It’s why the franchise has no Super Bowl titles. Duh. San Diego win easily.
49ers at Cardinals It’s pretty obvious God has been destroying the 49ers for the last year. Jim Harbaugh must have complained to much about a bad call that God forced to be made. The Cardinals take this.
Bills at Dolphins Buffalo win after the team’s kicker slays Ndamukong Suh with a slingshot.
Bears at Seahawks Chicago are the 16-point underdogs. As if we needed more proof that Vegas isn’t in the Bible Belt. The smart money says that Russell Wilson shall not remain in God’s favor. The Bears in an “upset.”
Broncos at Lions In the Book of Daniel, God keeps some lions from eating a guy. If you watched the first two games of the season, God is still hindering Lions. The Broncos win.
Monday
Chiefs at Packers After that busy Sunday of deciding football games, God needs a day of rest. Let’s assume He’ll take Monday off and let the Chiefs and Packers players decide the game themselves. That sure will be interesting to watch.
