After 28 years of marriage, my husband had an emotional but non-sexual affair. I was devastated but, after the discovery, we actually came together again in the most physical way. My desire and orgasms were thrilling, we experimented with toys and had sexy weekends away – it was awesome! I hoped that those sexual feelings would continue for ever but, alas, they haven’t.
Aside from natural biological urges, people become erotically charged for many different reasons. Some are motivated by familiar images, words or actions, others are triggered by feelings such as jealously, insecurity – even hatred. I hypothesise that it was some particular feeling you had about your husband’s desire for another woman that catapulted you into an erotic frenzy, and that this excitement evaporated once you felt secure with him again. This is not uncommon. It may be possible for you to recapture this feeling through creative role-playing if you and your husband are willing to try.
How might you, in fantasy, reproduce the same scenario of jealousy, insecurity or wanting to claim him for yourself? It sounds as though you are both open to erotic experimentation, so – with his permission – try it. Be creative and see what works. However, a word of warning: in using fantasy material for sex play that has some grounding in reality, one must be careful to keep fact and fiction separate. But if you two can handle this challenge, it may just do the trick.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
