My partner and I are in our late 20s and have been in a loving relationship for four years. He has depression and anxiety, but through therapy is in a much better place than when we first met. However, he continues to have problems with sex – losing his erection or being unable to climax. None of this bothers me, but I am worried about his wellbeing as he isn’t happy with this state of affairs. Issues can also trigger his depressive episodes. Talking about our sex life sometimes creates more problems.
We have tried various approaches, including role-play and medication for erectile dysfunction, and most recently opening up our relationship (for him only, and at his request) so he can experiment with other people and understand his needs better – but issues persist. With hookups, he tells me there is no “fear of being judged”, which frees him to be more in the moment. I feel this distance isn’t possible, or necessarily healthy, in our relationship. The frustrating thing is our sex can be great, but just as often (and seemingly out of nowhere) issues will come up. I’m at a loss about what to do next or what more I could do to create an environment that helps us both to be sexually fulfilled, comfortable and happy.
Your compassion for your partner is admirable, but sometimes caring too much can lead to other problems. It can cause underlying resentment in both of you – in him because it can increase his feeling of vulnerability, and in you because you have to set aside your own needs. Right now, for example, isn’t he calling the shots in many ways? For example, he gets to have sex with other people but you don’t. If we constantly give too much to a partner we can be manipulated by them, which is what seems to be happening in your relationship. And if we act parentally towards a partner there is a danger of being seen merely as a familial type of caregiver, which banishes the erotic connection. Pull back. Stop treating him as though he is fragile and start expecting more from him in terms of getting your own needs met. Set boundaries about hookups. “Miraculously,” he will improve.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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