Dear Coleen
I need some help on how to cope with my difficult mother-in-law over Christmas.
She’s coming to stay with my husband and me for a few days after breaking up with her partner. My husband is an only child, so we feel we can’t say no! However, she’s a very challenging character.
I’ve been with my husband for eight years and married for six, yet she still treats me like I’m a casual girlfriend who won’t be around for ever. For example, she’s never once given me a birthday gift or even a card.
She constantly asks me why we don’t have children (we’re 35 and have been trying), and reading between the lines, she assumes it must be my fault. She also looks for any excuse to start an argument.
My heart sinks every time I think about Christmas. It’s been a tough year for my husband and me in lots of ways – work stress, money worries and so on – and we just wanted to have some quiet time off together.
How do I get to the other side of Christmas without losing the plot and saying something to his mum that I’ll regret?
Coleen says
As far as having children goes, why not shut down the debate by being direct with her?
You could say: “We’ve been trying for a baby, but it’s not happening, so it’s upsetting when you keep bringing it up.” Hopefully, she’ll be more sensitive going forward.
Also, maybe try not to take her attitude towards you personally (although I accept that’s not easy) because, in her eyes, probably no one would be good enough for her one and only son.
And it might help if you told her what your expectations are over Christmas, so you can all enjoy the days that you are spending together.
You could put a ban on certain topics, for example, and emphasise that after a tough year you want to enjoy your time off without any arguments or stress.
It’s difficult if she’s a forceful character and I think it’s really down to your hubby to get on top of this.
If he’s saying these things to his mum, it’ll mean more to her and she’ll think about it because she won’t want to upset him.
And it works both ways because, as difficult as she is, I’m sure you don’t want tensions to explode leading to you getting upset and you all having a horrible Christmas.
