PO’ JOE
The Fiver always was dubious that Gareth Southgate would take Joe Hart to the Ethics World Cup because of his tournament experience. Admittedly it didn’t seem too outlandish when people suggested he should be included in the England squad in a Pepe Reina-esque cheerleader role, there to keep spirits in the camp high with his b@ntz and sagely advise Jack Butland and Jordan Pickford on how best to scream at unsuspecting Russian ball boys. For a while it seemed Southgate was going to bring him along for the ride. Until, that is, England’s manager discovered that the person leading the clamour for the Manchester City goalkeeper was none other than Shortbread McFiver, our Scottish cousin. Sneaky Shortbread McFiver! Bad Shortbread McFiver!
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver, our Welsh cousin, was also in on it and for some unknown reason their underhand campaign was garnering plenty of support in Belgium, Panama and Tunisia. Funny, that. But luckily Southgate cottoned on to their devilish ruse, at which point his mind was made up. Hart, who spent most of the season either on West Ham’s bench or chucking the ball into his own net, would not be going to Russia.
The 31-year-old received the bad news on Monday and the worst thing, perhaps, is that nobody was that surprised when the media spilled the beans on Tuesday. There was no uproar about uncapped Nick Pope being chosen instead, no controversy, no immediate cry for Southgate to apologise to Meghan and Harry for overshadowing their big day. Instead everyone shrugged and wondered where it all went wrong for Po’ Joe, who was once so promising and talented and free of dandruff.
Since you ask, The Fiver reckons it was when he started gurning at Andrea Pirlo at Euro 2012, which is the kind of wisdom Pickford and Butland will have to live without this summer. Plus he probably should have thought twice before moving to West Ham on loan given that playing behind one of the Premier League’s worst defences didn’t exactly do wonders for his fragile confidence. Mind you, it did give him a chance to get to know Andy Carroll better. At least those two can get on with booking their summer holiday to Vegas now. Southgate, meanwhile, is only thinking about Russia. Having submitted his provisional 35-man squad, all he needs now is a new No 1. It’s between Butland, who’s just been relegated with Stoke, or Pickford, who chucked a couple in against West Ham on Sunday. What could possibly go wrong? Shortbread McFiver can’t wait to find out.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It was a cruel finish to the tournament. The referee had warned the Dutch goalkeeper twice during the shoot-out” – Republic O’Ireland U17s manager Colin O’Brien can’t help but feel a bit funky after keeper James Corcoran was [rightly – Fiver Ed] penalised and saw red for coming off his line during a penalty shoot-out which the Netherlands went on to win.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
A stone-cold classic from your boy, David Squires, on the North Bank Redemption.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly, come get some.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, on VAR.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Your disgust at the ‘unprecedented scenes at Huddersfield’ where you allege ‘almost every single person present seemed deliriously happy’ (yesterday’s Fiver) put me in mind of Nick Hornby’s explanation in Fever Pitch of why he fell for one of the clubs involved in this disgraceful spectacle. ‘What impressed me most was just how much most of the men around me hated, really hated, being there. As far as I could tell, nobody seemed to enjoy, in the way that I understood the word, anything that happened during the entire afternoon,’ he wrote of his first visit to the Library. Who am I to doubt Hornby? By making them unhappy, Arsène Wenger gave Arsenal fans what they truly want. His successor needs to return the club to its miserable roots and wipe the unnatural smiles off their faces” – Peter Berlin.
“I’d like to laud the achievements of Phil Brown (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Getting a pay-off from Southend, wangling a gig at Swindon and then bumping up his contract so that if they tell him to ‘do one’ next season he gets another pay-off? Pure genius. Have to wonder if that’s what Antonio Conte was trying this year?” – Paul Dixon.
“Re: Paul Benveniste’s missive about the local horse-buying scamp who could provide a lesson for Stoke’s management team (yesterday’s letters). Given that they already shelled out substantial sums for several donkeys, surely they don’t need further ‘inspiration’, merely more stalls in the Britannia stables” – Derek McGee.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Paul Dixon.
THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Jlloyd Samuel, the former Aston Villa, Bolton and Trinidad & Tobago defender, has died in a car crash. He was 37.
Serbian referee Srdjan Obradovic has been arrested and questioned on abuse of power charges after awarding a controversial penalty to Spartak Subotica in their win over Radnicki Nis on Sunday. “He will be detained for 48 hours and handed over to the prosecutor in charge,” said the country’s interior ministry.
Swansea City’s Alfie Mawson could well become Somebody Else’s Alfie Mawson if they are willing to pay a £20m bounty.
Hot manager news: Marco Silva is favourite to replace Sam Allardyce at Everton, while Gollivan invited Shakhtar boss Paulo Fonseca round for a cup of tea on Monday.
Good day for Jogi Lurrrrrrvvve, who has extended his Germany contract until 2022. Bad day for Mario Götze, hero of the 2014 final, who has been left out of the provisional World Cup squad. “He wasn’t able to show his incredible quality. Personally, I’m very sorry for him,” sobbed Löw.
Mauricio Pochettino needs cash, so shovelling Mousa Dembélé, Danny Rose and Toby Alderweireld towards a door marked ‘Do One’ seems like the best thing to do.
Management consultants and hedge-fund managers could be seen kissing the Craven Cottage turf as Fulham reached the Championship play-off final with a 2-1 aggregate win over Derby.
And Chesterfield reckon Barnet addict Martin Allen is the answer to their managerial vacancy.
STILL WANT MORE?
Suzanne Wrack on WSL champions-in-waiting Chelsea.
Rob Smyth has delved into his vast VHS cupboard and will now tell you about the magic of Brazil’s Josimar at Mexico 86, the latest in our series of World Cup stunning moments.
Barney Ronay on Gareth Southgate sticking to his guns, Ademola Lookman v Danny Welbeck and “a teeth-sticking deep-fried jam doughnut plonked into the middle of a light rocket salad.”
Jonathan Wilson breaks down all the important tactical learnings from the Premier League in 2017-18.
“Burnley, Huddersfield and Brighton to be relegated” – revisit and analyse Big Website’s pre-season predictions with the sweet benefit of hindsight.
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