Our ability to acknowledge and accept our emotions is a powerful skill that is linked to resilience.
Having 'emotional agility' is something that psychologist and researcher Dr Susan David speaks about in her work. Emotional agility means being flexible with our thoughts and feelings so that we can respond optimally to everyday situations.
It includes our ability to stop ourselves from automatically reacting to our emotions and, instead, choosing how we respond to them. One of the aspects of this kind of emotion regulation is the ability to sit with others' feelings as well. The idea of 'toxic positivity' has been spoken about in recent years and this includes our tendency to try to move others to solutions immediately before taking the time to acknowledge and empathise with how they feel. Of course, we do this out of good intentions and trying to help.
Unfortunately, this often feels invalidating to the other person. In fact, research shows relying solely on 'positive thinking' usually doesn't work and can even be counterproductive. Instead, people who are emotionally-agile face difficult emotions like anger and sadness with curiosity, self-compassion, and acceptance.
Our ability to manage our own feelings extends to others and it's worthwhile slowing things down. If someone else's big feelings like sadness or anger make us uncomfortable, and we aren't great at managing our own feelings, this is when we jump to fix too quickly.
If we can't sit with our emotions, our attempt to solve the problem for someone before validating their feelings can be seen as asking them not to feel. Simply noticing and acknowledging your own emotions and doing the same for others when they are upset is an important step in showing empathy.
Tarnya Davis is a clinical and forensic psychologist and principal of NewPsych Psychologists. Please visit www.newpsych.com.au
