It’s important for all of us to be more patriotic, and I am not just saying this because they might beat me up. A writer’s duty is to speak truth to power. So I just want to say what a wonderful job they are doing, and how much I appreciate how much they care, and I want to try to convince you of the same thing. It’s time for true patriots to rally round. Disloyalty is on the rise. Pakistani-funded terrorists are active in every sphere of life, including areas in which few of us are interested, such as the economy.
Some black-tongued evildoers have been maligning the Government, and saying that the economy is being mishandled. This betrays a poor understanding of fundamentals. Everything that is happening is being done with our well-being in mind. Some people are applying arithmetic, and saying that with the economy growing at 5%, and inflation at 7.3%, things are looking bad. This analysis is overly simplistic. This is all actually part of a master plan, which works in both the short term and the long term. Over half of the inflation is because of food items, at 12.1%. This is not a coincidence. Over 40% of urban Indians are obese. Diabetes, hypertension and plus size clothing stores are proliferating. This is the single biggest problem facing the nation, because if we don’t have health, then what do we have?
If food is more expensive, we will eat less. Food inflation will thus make us fitter, healthier and more able to compete in the modern world. In fact, once you view the economy through the lens of health, everything becomes much clearer. If petrol and diesel are more expensive, we will no longer be able to drive down to the market. We will have to walk instead. If the rupee is weaker, the price of foreign food items will rise. Anti-national products such as avocados, olives and sugar-free marmalade will become unaffordable and out of reach, strengthening our moral fibre. The unholy practice of putting quinoa in everything will be consigned, not a moment too soon, to the dustbin of history. But what about Indian vegetables, you may ask. Here too, a lot of thought has been applied. The high price of vegetables will lead to a greater focus on pulses, not to mention paneer. Paneer is key. Paneer is infiltrating everything. Milk inflation is only 4%. What we save on paneer, we can spend on pulses. Pulses are at the heart of our identity as a nation.
Vegetables came much later in Aryan tradition. How often do the Upanishads mention cauliflower? Where in the Mahabharata do the Pandavas eat onions? Did Bhim get his strength from tomatoes? These are all points to ponder. All this effort on the economic front will not just lead to a short-term jump in health and fitness. As the economy sinks, and prices keep rising, you will grow into the habit of eating less. The Government may be taking away your wealth, but in return they will give you health, the greatest gift of all. So please eat more paneer, along with local grains and pulses. For the best results, wash them down with a glass of cow urine. A twist of lemon adds to the flavour.
In Shovon Chowdhury’s most recent novel Murder With Bengali Characteristics, revolution occurs after a rise in the price of fish
