Historically exciting news for straight men, gay men willing to act straight and straight women now prompted to spend whatever it takes on a man costume (me): Mariah Carey is on match.com.
Mariah, as any regular reader of this column will know, is a Proper Celebrity. If you’re unsure how you like to take your celebrities, complete this simple test. Do you want them to bang on about stuff such as how dreadful the NSA spy programme is, like CBE-in-waiting Benedict Cumberbatch? Or do you want them to have legendary rider demands such as “a basket of puppies and kittens to pet”; a comically grotesque retinue of personal staff, including someone whose job is best summarised as Chief Positioner of the Royal Bendy Drink Straw; and a repository of anecdotes about having once been literally kept in a gilded cage or something? “I hate the bus!” Mariah once hooted, in appalled reply to a question about how in touch with reality she was. “I’ve already been on the bus – I don’t need to get back on the bus!”
If you answered (b), stay with this.
The background to it all is that Mariah is single once more. I know, I know – and less than two years after she renewed her marriage vows to then-husband Nick Cannon in a low-key ceremony, which saw her take over the whole of Disneyland for the evening. She proceeded to the replighting of troths – which took place in front of Cinderella’s castle – in a glittering pumpkin-style coach, while live-tweeting the entire event with the hashtag #DonthatemebecauseImadiva.
Anyway, for whatever reason it didn’t work out, and the video of Mariah’s latest single, I Am the Unknowable Butterfly – no, hang on, it’s called Infinity – features madam scrolling through her selections on the dating site. Indeed, it made its debut in a clip on said site – though I beg you not to imagine this to be just a marketing stunt. “My girlfriends set up my profile,” she claims, adding in a statement via – ah! – match.com: “I hope every woman who is single and listens to this song goes out and finds her infinity, whether on Match or the traditional way.”
Totally. By way of the important information for potential suitors, though, Mariah describes herself on the site as a “self-employed/entrepreneur”, reveals that she is looking for a chap between 20 and 120, and lists her interests as cooking, movies, concerts, and religion. Gentlemen: good luck to you all.
