ANOTHER ROUT
$exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, our stereotypical English cousin, skipped merrily out of the house earlier today, a Union Jack draped around its waist and a tattoo of Mark Francois on its chest. The Fiver didn’t check where its cousin was heading, but assumed it was off somewhere nice. The sun’s out, so it’s a good time to have a pleasant stroll around central London. Soak up the atmosphere, that sort of thing. After all, everybody must be very full of patriotic pride given that the best and most British league in the world returns this weekend. Hooray! Hooray for us! What a glorious nation! Huzzah!
You heard it right. The Premier League is back and it’s officially the most glorious league around again. Four teams in Big Cup quarter-finals, baby! Have some of that, Emmanuel Macron! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jean-Claude Juncker! How do you like them apples, Michel Barnier? Not very much, is The Fiver’s educated guess! And the best thing of all is that we did it on our own, without any outside help, no outside money, no non-British thinking influencing our approach and making us better at doing football well whatsoever. None of that foreign nonsense over here, thank you very much.
Not convinced? Well, just have a look at the top of the league. There’s Anfield Boot Room graduate Jürgen Klopp, who says things like “That’s boss, that”, leading the way in first place with Liverpool. You’ve got Moss Side’s Pep Guardiola, who can spend entire press conferences reminiscing about great nights out at the Hacienda, just two points behind with Manchester City. Mauricio Pochettino, writer and singer of the hit song Ossie’s Dream, manages Tottenham. Salford’s Ole Gunnar Solskjær is at Manchester United, while those two c0ckney rascals, Unai Emery and Maurizio Sarri, are at Arsenal and Chelsea. Homegrown products everywhere – and that’s not even getting started on players like Mohamed Salah, Sergio Agüero, Son Heung-min and Paul Pogba, all of whom will be hoping to lead England to Nations League glory this summer. Yep, we’re doing just fine on our own. What a great time to be British.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The chap on the phone explained that the box, burger and Go Pro camera was his, he was from Sheffield, and he’d sent the burger into space. As you do. And he was coming to get it back” – Colchester United try to get their head round how it is that a Big Mac parachuted its way into their training ground having left the Earth’s atmosphere somewhere above Yorkshire.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football. Weekly. Extra!
FIVER LETTERS
“Poor ol’ Mauricio Pochettino? (yesterday’s Fiver). Surely ‘Po’ Po’?” – Paul Bullet.
“After the success of O’Ireland football fans in assisting a breakthrough goal in the Georgia game on Tuesday, have supporters over there considered lobbing a few tennis balls into the House of Commons to encourage the politicians to find a breakthrough?” – Dexter O’Riordan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dexter O’Riordan.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Neil Warnock says he would take his team off the pitch if players were subjected to the kind of racist abuse flung at England in Montenegro. “It’s got to be more severe than a fine or a slap on the wrist,” said Warnock. “A manager’s got to take a team off … probably immediately, as well, if that’s the case.”
Sky Bet has come under fire for using Paul Merson in its adverts despite his well-documented struggles with gambling addiction.
The organisation that gave its name to the Friends Arena in Stockholm has expressed dismay that Cristiano Ronaldo will play there with Juventus in August.
Funky Fulham fans plan to protest against ticket prices in Saturday’s hammering by Manchester City, for which the cheapest seat from which you can see Tom Cairney doing his thing is £55! “Why would any prospective untapped fan come to watch Fulham when they can see Spurs at Wembley this season for £30?” growled Football Weekly producing’s very own Sammy James.
Gonzalo Higuaín has got his claws out after jibbing off his Argentina career. “When you criticise someone maliciously, it hurts everyone,” he miaowed. “To the delight of many people, now I will only look at it from the outside.”
Everton boss Magic Marco is fuming with Colombia for sending Yerry Mina back with a nasty case of hamstring-twang. “It is not good news. It is serious,” he lid-rattled. “We advised them … it was a risk to play him.”
Virgil van Dijk is on the move.
Brazil will wear white for the first time in 70 years at this year’s Copa América. They ditched the colour after the 1950 World Cup final defeat because, like Granny Fiver, they’re cranky and superstitious.
Leicester fans at Saturday’s home match with Bournemouth will be given free Tin, water and cupcakes to mark late chairman Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha’s birthday.
And $tevie Mbe is pumped for Sunday’s Old Firm derby when the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers head to the Queen’s Celtic. “I’ve never seen fans win a football match. It will be loud but it won’t be a lion’s den,” he roared. “A lion’s den is when four lions jump over a cage and you fear for your life. You have to thrive in this atmosphere. If any of my players don’t fancy it they are at the wrong club.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Thud! That’s the sound of the Premier League returning, so here are your 10 things to look out for this weekend.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær needs to be more than high priest of Lord Ferg-style football, reckons floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Norwich’s Cuban Canary Onel Hernández gets his chat on with Nick Ames about why his favourite shop is Argos and how it’s a sad state of affairs for many Cuban players.
Praise for Raheem Sterling for his displays and his standing up to racial abuse is welcome but as a person he hasn’t really changed. Early perceptions of him were wrong, writes Eni Aluko.
Sunderland and Pompey meat in the Sherpa Van Trophy final on Sunday and good god they’ve had some ups and downs in recent years, writes Louise Taylor.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
