THE SQUARE IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE
When using popular online search-engine-related translation services, it is often wise not to take the results too seriously. The Fiver was however shaken to discover that the preview to tonight’s England game in the leading Lithuanian daily newspaper Kauno Diena exhorts the nation’s players to “obey the voice of the blood”. Immediately the Fiver’s imagination, when conjuring images of tonight’s possible key moments, replaced a merry picture of a grinning Wayne Rooney celebrating a history-making hat-trick with something that looked distressingly like the climactic scenes of Carrie.
Before we get carried away, it must be said that the software seems to struggle with Lithuanian. Still, it’s all we’ve got to go on, so we must report that Arminas Narbekovas, who won Olympic gold as part of the USSR football team in Seoul in 1988, reckons tonight’s team should “surprise those who do not believe in you” and “prove that the square is not impossible”, while the former striker Edgaras Jankauskas thinks they should “just give it your all forces”. “Why can not we be surprised to host their holidays in the fortress?” he asks, not without reason.
Sadly if the bookmakers are to be believed, Lithuania won’t be hosting holidays in the fortress any time soon, with England widely listed at the prohibitively miserly odds of 1-9, while upwards of 33-1 is available for an away win (we say away – London is the sixth biggest Lithuanian city, if ranked by the total number of Lithuanian residents. Even discounting those who have flown in for tonight’s match Britain’s capital hosts enough Lithuanians to fill Wembley on their own, and if current trends continue is likely to hit the top three by the end of the decade and replace Vilnius to become their capital as well, in some kind of democratically questionable capital-sharing arrangement, sometime towards the end of this century).
Marijonas Mikutavičius, Lithuanian talk-show host, comedian and singer, whose song Trys Milijonai has become the nation’s unofficial sporting anthem, is responsible for the most troubling pre-match image. “I am old England fans,” he admits. “In Soviet times, English football reached us more than the other Western European championships. However, the sentiment does not mean that today I have questions for you to suffer. When playing Lithuanians, speaks the voice of the blood.”
Crikey. Here we were hoping that Lithuania would yield to the force of the Kane, and instead they’re going to be busy obeying the voice of the blood. What’s more, other bodily fluids may also be involved, with the Lithuanian FA’s online preview warning London to prepare for the arrival of “a yellow-stained army”. “England have very good players,” Jankauskas concludes, “but if we look with fear at once, it starts to lose the game. They will remain invincible monsters.”
Many words have been used to describe this England team in recent years, but this is almost certainly the first time “invincible” has come into play. If the competitively-dubious Euro 2016 qualifying campaign has given us nothing else, let us at least celebrate this. While we can.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We contacted [Him about] exactly how to do it, how to stop Bale. But he didn’t answer the call” – Israel coach Eli Guttman reveals that Him, probably to his dismay, passed up a perfectly good opportunity to bring Gareth Bale down another peg or two.
FIVER LETTERS
“In response to John Stainton’s allusion to Eric Cantona being Manchester United’s greatest ever player (yesterday’s letters), this will come as a great shock to those Stretford Enders fortunate enough to see the likes of George Best, Duncan Edwards, and Bobby Charlton, for example. It’s almost as if football was invented in 1992. What? Oh” – Darren Hilton.
“Can I be the first of 1,057 people to congratulate the correspondents in yesterday’s Fiver, for two reasons. Firstly, this was a welcome new style of w(h)iney tone prevalent in football-related emails. Secondly, it was a chance for the Fiver to pretend it was more sophisticated than its usual tipple, of Purple Tin on a park bench” – Ed Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Darren Hilton.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
The Daniel Sturridge-shaped indent on the Liverpool physio table is going to get a few inches deeper after the striker was ruled out for around a month with hip-ouch.
Mark Hughes has inked a new deal at the Britannia. “I believe we can do even better next season with a little bit more investment,” he nudge nudged in the direction of the Stoke boardroom. “Let’s see how far we can go.”
Steven Fletcher has painted a picture of life under Dick Advocaat at Sunderland as being one big circus. “It’s been really lively since the new coach has come in; he’s a lively character and he’s brought that into the training sessions,” he honked.
Dynamo Kyiv have been fined €15,000 for fans’ racist abuse of Everton players.
And Claudio Marchisio will miss Italy’s friendly with England in Turin on Tuesday after suffering serious knee-knack.
OH ROBERTO … AND OTHER RANDOM FOOTBALLER PHOTOS
A smouldering Roberto Mancini and speedo-clad Gary Lineker star in Steven Bloor’s stunning collection of awkward retro footballer photos.
STILL WANT MORE?
Winston Bogarde sits down with Jamie Jackson to discuss his controversial four-year stint at Stamford Bridge, in which he mostly sat down, but didn’t want to.
What’s the link between an 1857 Swedish stamp-printing mishap and France’s third place finish at the 1958 World Cup? How did Mario Balotelli’s senseless dismissal lead to Manchester City’s first Premier League title? Paul Doyle explains all in the latest instalment of The Joy of Six: blessings in disguise.
Test your knowledge of both Premier League goalscorers and national flags in Paul Campbell’s red-hot quiz.
Simon Evans assesses the damage to the MLS when its best players go away on international duty, as he tells us what to look out for this weekend.
And Nacer Chadli opens up about how he has reached new heights during difficult times in an exclusive interview with Alan Smith.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
