LABORIOUS BIG
“It’s a big year for him,” weebled Mr Roy of Raheem Sterling, before England’s make-or-make-anyway qualifier against Switzerland at Wembley. “He’ll have a lot of big years: France in 2016, Russia in 2018, 2020 all over Europe and 2022.” It was an interesting quote for two reasons: firstly, yes, that really is a lot of big years. With his first World Cup appearance in Brazil still a recent memory – and presumably giving 2014 large status – and 2013 having been very much a break-out 12 months, it means pretty much every year of Sterling’s career will be classified as “big”. Roy could have saved quite a lot of time simply by saying that nobody should get very excited about the prospects for 2017. Secondly, given his deliberate and exhaustive roll-call of hosts for the next few tournaments, there seems something pointed and knowing about the absence of the word Qatar from the final sentence. The Press Association felt obliged to insert it (Qatar) in brackets, for the avoidance of doubt, but perhaps the owlish tactician just knows something we don’t. Anyway, onwards.
“At his age, he has plenty more to look forward to,” continued Mr Roy. “I’m sure that one day he’ll be looking forward to sitting here alongside me with over 100 caps.” Given that Sterling currently has 16 caps – he is, after all, only 20 big years old – and that England have, on average, played 11 matches in each of the last five years, Sterling is a little over seven and a half years of full fitness and unfaltering form away from collecting his special commemorative centenary headwear, by which time Roy will be very nearly 76. Still, given that this is a man who said before the last World Cup that “anyone who thinks we can’t win has to be barking up the wrong tree”, and after it declared of Euro 2016 that “we’re in this tournament to win it”, a little optimism can probably be expected.
Besides, time passes quickly in football. For example, it is precisely and exactly one year to the day since England got their Euro 2016 qualifying campaign under way against Switzerland in Basel, and now the teams meet again, but a heartbeat later, with the English already qualified.
The complete lack of banana skins along England’s route to France has seen the qualifying campaign declared by many – though not here in sunny Fiverland, but of course no – dreary and predictable, yet the Swiss can only dream of such simplicity, however likely they appear at present to bank second place. On Saturday they had to score three times in the last 10 minutes to somehow conjure home victory against Slovenia. “Sometimes things happen in football that you cannot explain, and this was such a day,” said Swiss defender Timm Klose. How England’s fans, footsore from a lifetime spent traipsing around Europe to witness ho-hum qualifiers followed by humiliatingly brief major-tournament cameos, must yearn to be given reason to make such a statement. Unless, of course, it’s to refer to that time Seth Johnson got a call-up.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This was an extremely difficult decision to make. However it’s simply unfair to continue to expect us to make enormous sacrifices to play for Australia. For the past two months the players have been unpaid and have made every attempt to reach an agreement that gives the women’s game a platform for growth” – keeper Lydia Williams explains the Matildas’ decision to go on strike amid a flamin’ pay dispute between the FFA and PFA.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Nottingham Forest U-18s’ Virgil Gomis channels his inner Mauro Bressan with this last-gasp overhead kick winner from outside the penalty area against Ipswich U-18s. And once you’ve gone through that, may as well get stuck into Goals of the Week.
FIVER LETTERS
“I seem to recall that Michel Platini justified the expansion of the European Championships from 16 to 24 teams because last time around ‘a number of the big names were missing’. Now that it looks like Holland won’t even make the play-offs for Euro 2016, does it mean another expansion is on the way? Will we see 32 teams in Euro 2020, or better still, 48? Then everyone will be there, bar a few minnows such as San Marino and Scotland” – Robert Darby.
“I love the idea of a green card to reward fair play (Yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Especially if they can cancel out reds and yellows. ‘Go on then, you’ve been nice to me all game and have sportingly kicked the ball into touch so that Oscar can have some treatment – feel free to kick Diego Costa 10 feet up in the air without fear of retribution.’ Who wouldn’t love to see that?” – James Kirk.
“How do you award a virtual green card? Do the player and referee have to don unwieldy head apparatus so their avatars can perform the award ceremony in Italian football’s version of Lawnmower Man? Or is the player made to watch a computer rendered version of the dreadful 1990 Gerard Depardieu vehicle? I can’t see either encouraging sporting behaviour, to be honest” – Jason Tew.
“Very much enjoyed the goals of the week, particularly the effort from Jeffrey Torda for the South Carolina Gamec0cks. Are there any better named teams in world football? Or any more likely to get me kicked off my work PC quicker than you can say Weird Uncle Fiver?” – Craig Fawcett.
“Regarding recent Spurs-related missives from Graham Haslam and Kenneth Brown (Fiver letters passim), now that they’ve won something prizeless, when will they be releasing the DVD of their triumph?” – Derek McGee.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Robert Darby.
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BITS AND BOBS
Doncaster Rovers have bought manager Paul D1ckov a ticket for up-and-coming boyband Do One’s latest concert. “The board are ambitious for a top six finish and that is, and will remain our aim,” sniffed a club statement.
Manchester United goalkeeper-for-now Sergio Romero is giving all kinds of big-ups right about now, assuming big-ups are still the kind of thing that are being given. “As I have been saying, I have to thank Van Gaal for trusting me,” he cheered. “Playing for United is a dream and if God helps me this dream will never end.”
Modern football dept: Scottish FA suits have come under fire for blocking wheelchair users’ views at Hampden with a load of advertising hoardings during Germany’s 3-2 win there on Monday.
Republic O’Ireland manager Martin O’Neill has got the funk on with Mr Roy for trying to persuade Jack Grealish that his future lies with England. “That’s encouraging, that’s encouraging. [Mr] Roy’s not going to hang around,” he fumed after the inevitable 1-0 win over Georgia. “Well done [Mr] Roy, putting the pressure on.”
Gareth Bale’s Mr 15% insists the Wales international has never been close to leaving Real Madrid. “He was nowhere near leaving – that was all stupid paper talk,” parped Jonathan Barnett. “He is very happy at Real Madrid and hopefully he’ll stay for the rest of his career.”
And fresh off his departure from West Ham, Kevin Nolan has chicken-walked down the road to Leyton Orient’s training ground.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires takes in a brief history of the Wales football team in his latest cartoon.
Oranje is the new bleak. Amy Lawrence on the crisis engulfing the Dutch national team.
Win! Win! Win! We’ve got (home) tickets to Leicester City v Aston Villa on Sunday up for grabs.
In the rare moments during his recent trip to Beijing when he wasn’t cribbing away about a man being run over by a Segway, plus other running, jumping and throwing bits, Owen Gibson was busily putting this together on why China’s focus on football could tilt the global game on its axis.
The Fiver may be a long-in-the-tooth email, but even we enjoyed this feature on Zbrojovka Brno fans and the remarkable rebuilding of their Za Luzankami stadium.
This week’s Gallery stars John Stones. Next: send us your Ed Woodwards.
The Forgotten Story of … Brunswick Juventus’ flamin’ 1985 NSL championship, as retold by Joe Gorman.
Blair Newman takes a look at the young players who could rejuvenate Italy in time for Euro 2016.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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