Name: HMS Wag
Cost: £1bn.
Appearance: 215,863 gross tonnage of unabashed offshore luxury.
Delicious, more human lasagne. How dare you. The MSC World Europa (its official name) is not human lasagne. This is a cruise ship built for the highest strata of humanity.
Like who? Well, you know all the gifted sporting heroes England is sending to the World Cup this week?
Yes. It’s for their wives and girlfriends.
But why? Listen, this is a great idea. While their boyfriends and husbands overheat in order to prove their merit at an ethically compromised World Cup, the Wags get to live it up a vessel of unthinkable luxury.
How luxurious? We’re talking crystal staircase. We’re talking spas complete with snow rooms. We’re talking 13 restaurants, expensive jewellery shops, the longest dry slide at sea, a full butler service, all spread over 22 decks.
Sounds expensive. The “royal” suites apparently go for £6,000 per week. But don’t worry about that. This is the level of unrivalled opulence that the England wives and girlfriends deserve.
Why are they staying on a boat, though? It seems impractical. Easy, you can drink on a boat.
And you can’t on shore? The World Cup is in Qatar, silly. You can’t do anything in Qatar. Can’t get drunk or kiss in public, can’t be gay.
Sounds awful. But if you’re on a boat moored off the coast, you’re not actually in Qatar so you can do anything you like. There are 20 different bars! There’s a jazz speakeasy! The place sounds like a licence for full-blown debauchery.
Crikey, it really does. It’s better this way. Imagine the press reaction if some of the Wags were slung in jail for being drunk and disorderly.
Doesn’t bear thinking about. It’s far from the prying eyes and long lenses of the paparazzi, too. Much harder to get papped looking a little worse for wear on a massive boat.
What brilliant news. Nobody loses! Well, you could argue that attending the World Cup in any capacity is a tacit sign of support for a country with a long history of harrowing human rights abuses, and that all the Wags should be deeply ashamed of themselves. But whatever … Jazz! Fun!
Do say: “Time to celebrate the World Cup in total luxury!”
Don’t say: “Coming soon: the Wags visit a floating casino off the coast of North Korea.”
