January
1 The Eurasian Economic Union will come into effect, creating a single economic market akin to the EU, made up of Russia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Armenia and Belarus. If you’ve been invited to a party on 31 December, it’s almost definitely for this.
2 The one-year transfer ban imposed by Fifa on FC Barcelona will come into force, meaning you’ll have to wait until 2016 for them to buy you. And then keep waiting, obviously, because come on.
February
14 Nigerian presidential and parliamentary elections. Incumbent Goodluck Jonathan will be seeking re-election. Expect to hear several tedious people saying “Good luck, Jonathan!” and chortling to themselves.
22 The 87th Academy Awards ceremony – aka The Oscars – will be presented by actor Neil Patrick Harris, who will probably avoid taking a group selfie in case it doesn’t do as well as Ellen’s did.
March
23 James Corden will take over as host of CBS’s The Late Late Show. Expect a flurry of texts from American friends asking: “Who is this and how is he famous?”
30 The UK parliament will dissolve in preparation for the general election. Reasonable people are advised to enter their bunkers and come out when it’s all over.
April
At some point this month, Nasa’s Dawn space probe is expected to land on the dwarf planet Ceres in the asteroid belt. The immediate effect on your life will be negligible.
25 The White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner will be held at the White House, hosted by Cecily Strong of Saturday Night Live. This is rarely politically significant, but it can be quite funny now and then.
May
7 The UK general election. Polling booths will be open between 7am and 10pm. There are about 50 possible outcomes and almost all of them are hellish.
8 The controversial 9% payrise for British MPs will come into effect, raising the basic annual salary to £74,000. This news will be completely buried in the aftermath of the election, so it’s best to get your outrage in now.
23 The 60th Eurovision Song Contest will take place in Vienna. Previous winner Conchita Wurst has expressed an interest in hosting the backstage coverage. So, you know, keep the evening free for that one.
June
6 Two of Europe’s top football teams will compete in the Uefa Champions League final, for the prize of eternal glory until next year. This is also the first day of the Fifa Women’s World Cup in Canada. Because nothing says “We take the women’s game seriously” like scheduling a clash with the biggest men’s match of the year.
12 Jurassic World will be released in cinemas, to the delight of everyone who longed for a sequel to the other disappointing Jurassic Park sequels.
July
At some point, Nasa’s New Horizons probe will pass Pluto and return the first close-up pictures of the planet and its many moons. Expect lots of hilarious tweets confusing the planet for the Disney Dog.
1 Luxembourg will take over the presidency of the European Union, replacing Latvia. Luxembourg plans to use its time in charge to introduce “comfier meeting chairs”, “tastier water” and “a ban on making up stuff that Luxembourg plans to do”.
August
9 One year since police officer Darren Wilson shot unarmed teenager Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, sparking escalating protests worldwide. This would be an ideal date for the US government to announce a neat, catch-all solution to America’s entrenched structural racism.
26 The Foster’s Edinburgh Comedy Awards nominations will be announced. Expect to start seeing most of the names on it on TV about three years later. If you still have a TV by then.
September
10 If she is still on the throne, Queen Elizabeth II will become the longest-reigning monarch in British history, overtaking Queen Victoria. This will be of no tangible benefit to anyone.
19 The Liberal Democrats will convene for their autumn conference. If we still have Liberal Democrats by then.
27-30 The Labour party will convene for their autumn conference. Ed Miliband may even be prime minister. Imagine!
October
4-7 The Conservatives will convene for their autumn conference. It’s possible Boris Johnson will be in charge. Try not to think about it.
13-14 The Nice Conference will take place in Kings Dock, Liverpool. Nice is short for National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence. But expect to hear several tedious people saying “Nice conference!” and chortling to themselves.
November
15-16 The G20 summit will take place in Antalya, Turkey. World leaders will meet to pose for group pictures that imply a false sense of international bonhomie. They may also discuss the world.
27 Shoppers will queue, shove, shout and generally act like idiots for Black Friday 2015, as UK stores offer huge one-day discounts.
December
6 If he is still in charge, 6 December will mark 10 years of David Cameron’s leadership of the Conservative party. This will have been of tangible benefit to a few people, many of them already fairly wealthy, but of little or no benefit to many others.
25 Christmas in 2015 will be celebrated on this day as normal. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.
31 People across the world will stay up until midnight to usher in the first anniversary of the Eurasian Economic Union.
