Name: The Archers
Age: 65.
Appearance: none – it’s a radio programme, about rural life in the village of Ambridge.
You mean that show after the news where they talk about milk yields? That’s the one. You’re an occasional listener, then.
I don’t listen, I just hear. It goes in one ear and out the other. In that case, you’ll probably have missed the latest news.
Oh God, what’s happened now? Has Ruth lost a wellie or something? No, there has been a departure.
Didn’t they just kill off a bunch of people in a flood? That was last year. And, anyway, it’s not that kind of departure. Sean O’Connor is leaving.
Who is Sean O’Connor? Is he the one that sells eggs? He’s the editor.
The editor of what? Borsetshire Life? He’s the editor of the show.
Wait, are we talking about an actual person? Yes. After two and a half years with The Archers, O’Connor is moving to EastEnders.
He should find Albert Square quite a bracing change, after working on a soap where people pull lambs out of sheep all day. O’Connor has already worked on EastEnders. Indeed, he has been criticised for bringing some of the TV soap’s breathless sensationalism to Ambridge.
I wouldn’t go that far. Perhaps you’re forgetting about all those dramatic storylines: the sudden deaths, the fights, the affairs, the bypass …
Not to mention the abuse Helen Titchener, née Archer, is currently suffering at the hands of that scumbag, Rob. Are you sure you’re not a loyal listener?
Don’t be ridiculous. Sometimes, when I visit my mum on Sundays … It’s nothing to be ashamed of – 4.8 million people regularly tune in.
So who is O’Connor’s replacement going to be? It’s not yet known, but whoever they choose will have to strike a difficult balance between maintaining ratings and satisfying the traditionalist fanbase.
Perhaps the new editor could organise a huge cake sale in a barn, and then burn the barn down? Your idea will be passed on to the relevant department.
Do say: “This job would be perfect for anyone with experience in radio drama, a deep knowledge of the show’s history and a real drive to innovate.”
Don’t say: “Except you, Helen darling. You need to rest.”
