What went right
Hey, guy, you’ve come a long way. You were cute as a Disney-branded button next to Justin Timberlake on the Mickey Mouse Club, before your first feature role (as a neo-Nazi teen in The Believer) won you near-universal acclaim. You turned fans’ pages in Nicholas Sparks weepie The Notebook, then hauled yourself out of dumb hunk purgatory by taking a couple of indie roles – a sex-doll seducing sweetie in Lars and the Real Girl and a lovelorn schlub in Derek Cianfrance’s Blue Valentine – that were as weird as they were satisfying. Then up popped Nicolas Winding Refn, jingling the keys to a part that would rev your stock to the stars. The nastier Drive got (your character is a hammer-wielding head-stomping psychopath), the sexier you seemed. Nothing lay ahead but the open road and endless possibility.
What went wrong
The parts got bigger, but the projects got blander. Crazy, Stupid, Love, in which you played a dating guru who strips off, treated you like meat, while George Clooney crowded you out of The Ides of March. You underwhelmed in your second takes with Refn (Only God Forgives) and Cianfrance (The Place Beyond the Pines) by playing the same tricks twice. Your profile exploded as pop culture got to churning out the memes and merchandise (the colouring-in book, the husband pillow). Meanwhile you were holed up preparing your grand artistic statement: the directorial debut. The result, Lost River, was a tip – you pilfered from Lynch, Refn and Noé, but didn’t show your working. Meanwhile, in retro dud Gangster Squad, your acting trademark – long, soulful silences in the style of Paul Newman – made you look less like an actor of prodigal charisma, more like a vacant clotheshorse stuck for something to say.
What you should next
A couple of years ago you said you were going to take a break from acting. You said you’d lost perspective and thought you needed a break from you as much as we all did. Now you’re back with a supporting role in The Big Short, a buzzy drama about the men who predicted the housing collapse. It’s based on the book by Michael (Moneyball) Lewis and you co-star with Brad Pitt, Steve Carell and Christian Bale, as a trader who whistleblows on Wall Street.
It doesn’t look like much of a departure (your daring dye-job aside) and, while you’ve said you prefer supporting roles, you tend to get lost in big ensemble casts like this. What you need, Gozzle, is to turn back the clock, back to the weirdos and psychos of yesteryear. We’re sure one of your favourite directors – Gaspar Noé – has something mucky for you to plunge into. Or perhaps Lars von Trier is feeling the need to destroy something beautiful? Failing that, Disney Marvel’s slate is prepped for a squillion sequels. Why not make amends with the mouse?
More in this series
There’s something about you, Cameron Diaz - here’s how to recapture it
No more directing, Russell Crowe, or going soppy
A titanic Von Trier meltdown could get you back on track, Kate Winslet
Hey, Ryan Gosling, you’ve given girls advice, now let us return the favour
You need discipline, Nicolas Cage. Call Michael Haneke!
