Let's take this inside ... a protestor makes his views about the ban clear. Photograph: Olivier Hoslet/EPA
The introduction of a smoking ban brings out rabid reactions in all walks of life, from those who insist they'll never set foot inside a public house again, instead preferring to stay at home and wonder in which section of the Yellow Pages they'll find a number for the European Court of Human Rights, to entrepreneurial landlords on a hiding to nothing. Based in Edinburgh, I saw all this last March when Scotland introduced its own ban, and as a repentant but guiltily satisfied thirty-a-day man I can impart two facts from experience. One: any fool will tell you a ban is a good thing, and a remarkably public-spirited piece of legislation. Two: life goes on.
For anyone taken in by scare stories that tumbleweed-strewn venues across England will have shut down in their hundreds come Autumn, however, here's a more specific view of how the ban will affect the average gig- or club-going night out. Or not.
The pre-gig pint
It takes a surprisingly short space of time to get past the 'come within an inch of lighting a fag indoors' faux pas before you get used to the rules and retire to the doorman's company. Comments along the lines of "isn't it funny having to go outside to do this?" are only acceptable for the first fortnight, tops. You may have heard tell of the relatively recent Irish tradition of 'smirting', a smokers' alley-based mixture of smoking and flirting. This is a myth. Crap chat doesn't become good chat just because it's al fresco. Upon re-entering the pub, you'll breathe in deep, cool lungfuls of good health.
The gig
Choosing your moment to retire for a cigarette is an acquired skill. One rule of thumb: if you're gasping, and the band start up an album track you particularly dislike, seize the day. Guaranteed the next song will be their all-time most adored hit, and you'll spend it twitching and flailing amidst private withdrawal hell. Also note that a performer illegally lighting up on stage - preferably even chain-smoking - will make them approximately fourteen times cooler. In my experience since the Scottish smoking ban kicked in, I've only witnessed Pete Doherty and the new guy from INXS do this, but it worked for both.
The club
Expect the geography of your favourite venue to change overnight, as the fire exit that bouncers used to bark at you to get away from becomes the "smoker's door". Eventually some club owners will get round to putting up a canopy nearby, or maybe even one of those heaters that use a North Sea well worth of gas every night, once winter starts to draw in. But most won't. Otherwise, aside from the unmasked stench of human sweat, nothing much will change, although the eagle-eyed might spot the DJ putting a CD on and nipping out for a fly puff roughly every hour.
If anyone else has any observations on the subject, below's the place.
