YAYA BLINKS
Stop it there. Enough already. You can consign today’s Fiver to the dustbin of internet history (unless of course you’re one of those people lucky enough to have an email service that does it automatically) and head straight to the drinker, because nothing in today’s edition of the world’s only tea-timely email is going to top that headline. Wordplay so cunning you could, in the words of Blackadder, pin a tail on it and call it a weasel, not only does it dredge up memories of a Star Wars character most right-thinking nerds would rather forget, it more or less tells the whole story of how, with monotonous predictability, Yaya Touré was first to crack in his unwinnable stand-off with Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola. If at least three different tabloids don’t nick it for Saturday’s back pages, then The Fiver will finally be prepared to concede that we’re not quite the hep-cat daddio barometer of modern football culture we’ve long presumed ourselves to be.
The story so far: after Yaya was left out of City’s squad for Big Cup, the Ivorian’s reclusive, softly-spoken Mr 15%, Dimitri Seluk, sent his rattle sailing out of the pram in a parabolic arc, accusing Pep of “humiliating” his client. “This is Pep’s decision and we must respect it,” he said, before embarking on a series of disrespectful and very public tirades traducing the Spaniard’s capabilities as a man and manager. Pep duly responded by announcing that Yaya would not be considered for the City first team until Seluk expressed contrition for his remarks and has remained steadfastly true to his word in the two months since. Having maintained a dignified silen … well, a silence, Yaya has finally cracked and on Friday issued an apology to his gaffer, that could scarcely have sounded more sincere if it had come from The Fiver after inadvertently spilling the pint of our violent Scottish cousin Begbie McFiver in an Edinburgh boozer.
“I wish to apologise – on behalf of myself and those who represent me – to the management team and all those working at the club for the misunderstandings from the past,” simpered Yaya. “Those statements do not represent my views on the club or the people who work there. I have nothing but respect for Manchester City and only wish the best for the football club. I am immensely proud to have played a part in the club’s history and want to help City succeed further. I live to play football and entertain the fans.”
So that’s that, then. Although Seluk has technically not apologised, Yaya has apologised on his behalf and with Pep being a reasonable man of his word, will now be free to play football and entertain the fans. Well, he might have been until … well, over to you Mr Seluk. “We want peace, but I’m not apologising,” he thundered through our radio speakers. “Apologise for what? Maybe Touré has apologised for this, but I don’t know for what. I think Yaya don’t mean this.” A Seluk in full-on sulk mode? To paraphrase Elton John, sometimes sorry, even if said insincerely for the sake of an easy life, seems to be the hardest word.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The really standout thing about this stadium is that it’s going to be almost entirely made of wood – the first time that will have been done anywhere in the world. At Eco Park, we’ve started with a blank sheet of paper and we’ll be going further than anyone has done before. This really will be the greenest football stadium in the world” – Forest Green chief suit Dale Vince, a former new age traveller no less, reveals plans for the happiest, clappiest 5,000-seater ground around.
FIVER LETTERS
“Is it really only six years ago that an Internazionale managed by José Mourinho won Big Cup (and the treble)? Yet, now they are reduced to this and this, respectively. It’s almost as though both got a message in 2010 that Europe isn’t for them” – Noble Francis.
“Personally, I’ve never understood all the hysteria surrounding the Olympic Stadium nor the resentment by some in respect to the minimal contribution by Taxpayers FC. After all, if I can read that notable personalities are suggesting – of all things – tearing it down and starting again, a stadium that cost nearly £500m to build and a further £323m to turn it into a questionable football ground then, my goodness, your economy must be in a far better state of affairs than what the rest of the world is led to believe. Disposable stadiums, anyone?” – Flavio L’Abbate.
“Re: nominative indeterminism (Fiver letters passim). Seeing that Paterson was on the other evening, I said to myself: ‘This film about a bus driver called Paterson, living in town called Paterson, that’s the film for me.’ Before any hipster Fiver readers head for the cinema, I would like to warn them that I would rather sit and watch Japan v Paraguay 2010, England v Costa Rica 2014 and Austria v Portugal 2016, end-to-end , than see that film again” – George Paterson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Noble Francis, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest thrilling instalment of Football Weekly Extra. And Producer Ben tells us there are still some tickets available for the London Palladium live show on 15 November.
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BITS AND BOBS
The drinks are on André Villas-Boas, trousering a reported £11m a year as Shanghai SIPG’s new coach. “We are convinced his arrival will enrich the tactical nous of the team, unearth the potential of our young talents and guide our club to scale new heights,” whooped a club statement. It’ll certainly enrich someone.
Caretaker Gareth has shown his sensible side again by revealing that just because he’s overseeing England at the moment doesn’t mean he’ll definitely be up for taking on the thankless task full-time. “I don’t think it is as easy as saying: ‘Yes I would like the job,’ and I would also like to see how it is affecting my family – and my health probably,” he yelped.
The Milk Cup has got a new sponsor. And guess what? It’s fizzy.
Rochdale forward Calvin Andrew will spend 12 matches on the naughty step after a bumper ban from the FA. “The player was involved in an act of violent conduct in or around the 77th minute of [last weekend’s] game against Oldham,” Andy Townsended a statement.
Just eight months after it happened, Fifa bods have opened up disciplinary proceedings against the FAI for a symbol relating to the Easter Rising that was on Republic O’Ireland shirts during their match with Switzerland.
Like Spangles, Harry Kane’s ankle-knack is a thing of the past – and that means he may start for Spurs in Sunday’s north London dust-up.
Beating Inter really isn’t really what it used to be, but Claude Puel wants Southampton to quickly shift focus to putting the hurt on Mike Phelan. “We come back to the training session for good recovery, and a good emotional level, leaving emotion [behind] because if we stay on this feeling you lose energy, you lose after all the possibilities to give a good answer, to make a good game against Hull,” he blabbed.
And thinking-man’s footballing crumpet Xabi Alonso has expressed his delight at being able to wear a kit made of rubbish in Bayern’s match against Hoffenheim. “I grew up on the beaches of Spain. Therefore, I am particularly pleased to be able to wear a jersey made 100% from recycled ocean waste,” he cheered.
STILL WANT MORE?
“At first I had to call a farmer and ask him to cut the pitch.” If your c0ckles are cold you can warm them immediately by drinking in these stories from FA Cup minnows hoping to cause an upset in the first round this weekend. And then overheat them with this film at Westfields FC.
Simon Burnton and Paul Doyle thought so hard to bring you these 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend that you really ought to do the right thing and read them.
East Kilbride should be playing this song on repeat as they hope to go one better than the great Ajax side of 1971-72 this weekend. Ewan Murray has the skinny.
Has José Mourinho already got third-season syndrome at Manchester United? Dr Jamie Jackson investigates.
Jacob Steinberg dons his tin hat and picks his north London derby best XI. Oof!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
