Aside from the first ride in a new car, there is nothing quite like booting up a computer for the first time. In my vast experience, going back more than 20 years with at least 25 different desktops and notebooks, mostly Dells and Macs, the first boot-up has always gone without a hitch. I press the power button, a splash screen displays the version of DOS or Windows installed on the device, and soon, I'm at the computer's home screen.
Not this time.
Earlier this summer I bought a sleek, all-in-one Dell desktop from the Dell Outlet, which sells refurbished products that are supposedly tested to ensure everything still works like new.
But when I tried to turn it on, the motherboard beeped five times, indicating the internal battery was defective. More serious than that, instead of a white splash screen, the monitor flashed primary colors in slow succession. This usually means that the video card is bad. So I called Dell's basic tech support, which, in my vast experience with them, is like hooking up two tin cans with string. It's beyond awful. If you have a choice, go for premium support and onsite service. I can excuse Dell for going offshore for their techs, but I can't excuse their techs' utter incompetence.
Here's a fair representation of how my first conversation with these folks went:
"I hear five beeps when I boot up, and the monitor isn't working right."
"Five beeps? I'll have to check my resources for that."
"It means the battery is bad. I looked it up."
"Please be patient while I check my resources."
(A long pause on hold)
"Let's do some troubleshooting. Hold down the F12 key as you boot up the computer."
"The computer won't boot up. That's the third problem."
"Please be patient while I check my resources."
(A long pause on hold)
"Now we must boot up and press the F12 key until you see the Dell logo."
"It won't boot up to the Dell logo because the video chip is bad."
"But you must try."
To humor him, I try again. Still no Dell logo. Just the neon sign colors flashing.
"No dice, my friend, because the video chip on the motherboard is defective."
"Please be patient while I check my resources."
(A long pause on hold)
"Now, when you press the power button, you must also press the function key."
"It won't do any good. There's a problem with the video chip."
(A long pause on hold while he checks his resources)
"We must try several more things. Unplug the PC, and press the power key for 15 seconds."
I humor him once again. Will he ask me to stand on my head and whistle "Dixie"?
"No go, my friend, because the video chip is defective."
"Why isn't the monitor working right?"
"The video chip on the motherboard is bad."
"Not to worry. We will address your concerns."
"My chief concern is that you don't understand my problem. The internal battery is defective, as is the video chip on the motherboard."
"Let me please place you on hold while I check my resources."
(A long pause on hold)
When he gets back on the line, I have a suggestion.
"Send me a box so I can return the PC to you for repair."
"Not to worry. I will check my resources."
(A long pause on hold)
"I have checked my resources. You must now tell me your name and address."
"OK. But you asked me all that at the beginning of the call."
"Please be patient while I check my resources."
(A long pause on hold)
It takes 20 minutes for me to give him all the information I gave him at the beginning of the call. Soon the return box will be delivered, he promises me. When the box arrives, I am careful to include a note detailing the problems with the computer, and FedEx cheerfully takes the box and sends it back to wherever sick Dells are fixed.
A week later, the Dell is returned. The screen is broken.
"Did you drop it?"
I assure him I did not and send him photos showing not only the cracked screen but also the damaged box, which has a hole in it where the screen was packed.
I plug in the Dell anyway, just to make sure the beeping and video problem have been fixed. The beeping is gone, but the monitor still blinks like a neon sign at a cheap hotel. Inside the box is a note saying that the system has been checked for full functionality.
"It's obvious no one bothered to plug it in and test the monitor."
"That is not possible, but let me check my resources and escalate your concerns."
(A long pause on hold)
After much haggling, the tech checks his resources a few more times and then agrees to send out another return box, which arrives several days later. I attach a note detailing the problem with the video card, pack up the PC and send it back via FedEx. By now, I'm on a first-name basis with the FedEx driver.
A week or so later the PC arrives with a shiny new screen. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, I turn it on. I'm not disappointed. The monitor displays neon colors.
The tech support woman is patient but she has resources to check.
Again, I say, "The video chip on the motherboard is bad."
"Let us try some diagnostic tests."
I've had it by now, but I try to make a deal.
"You have two choices: Send out a technician with a new motherboard, or refund my money."
But she won't hear of it. My warranty is for mail-in service only.
After she checks her resources a half-dozen more times, I ask for a supervisor, who assures me that I will get a call from someone else, presumably a more experienced technician, who, surely, will make me stand on my head and whistle "Dixie." I decide that I'm not going to send the computer back yet another time. I want action. I want a tech to come out with a new motherboard. So I give the supervisor one more chance to read my lips.
"You do understand that there is a problem with the video chip on the motherboard."
"The technical support person who will call you will troubleshoot that."
"Will he check his resources?"
"Of course."
