And so, gingerly, to news of Team Heather's latest star signing, as the outgoing Lady McCartney reminds us that she's not just playing for pride here. She's playing for every dead princess, every abducted child, every landmine victim, every hapless mink that makes the cut to be part of J-Lo's coat.
And above all she's playing for the right to tell her story to every goddamned journalist she meets, for all eternity, like a Geordie Ancient Mariner with selective amnesia. Once again, Lost in Showbiz cannot recommend highly enough Heather's 1993 autobiography Out On A Limb, wherein her alchemic feats include the creation of a glittering "ran away to join the circus" yarn, conjured miraculously from almost worthless raw material ("once knocked off a chap who worked on the waltzer").
Also, let's not forget that these days she's responsible for nine countries, Fern. Clearly, we all missed that meeting. But you know what? I'd have waved it through.
Anyways, having looked a little weak in defence over the past fortnight, what with the loss of her publicist and entire legal team, Heather has pulled off a stunning coup and exhumed a fake comtesse with vineyard and beauty parlour sidelines to be her new, "official worldwide spokesperson".
Snaps for this Michele Elyzabeth, then, in part for snaring the account they all wanted, but mostly for her first recorded act, a 15 minute videoblog in which she offers a glimpse of her crystalline command of logic and possibly unparalleled gift for making a bad situation better, both of which will form a key resource on which Heather may draw in the long run-up to the day on which she now declares she will represent herself in court.
Let's all wish this exciting new double act the best of luck, and make a note to check back for vlog updates just the second we feel ourselves at risk of being influenced by media lies.
