HOW’S ABOUT CLATTS, THEN?
Many are the reasons that have been offered for Leicester’s fairytale run to the Premier League title in 2016: heartwarming team spirit, a charismatic and quirky manager, the goals of Jamie Vardy, the genius of Riyad Mahrez, a lethal counterattacking style opponents recognised but couldn’t cope with, the reward of carb-heavy pizza in exchange for clean sheets, and the strange inability of each and every one of their major rivals to put them under any kind of pressure. But in the time that has elapsed since Wes Morgan hoisted the Premier League trophy skywards to mark the most fitting of ends to the most implausible of feelgood stories, the significant contribution of one man to Leicester’s triumph has been overlooked. A referee as quick to blow his own horn as he is his own whistle, Mark Clattenburg clearly feels he hasn’t got the credit he deserves for almost singlehandedly winning Leicester City the title and has finally stepped forward to explain how it was him wot won it.
Now working in a well paid gig as the head of Saudi Arabia’s referees, Clattenburg was in charge of the bad-tempered draw between Chelsea and Tottenham that eliminated Mauricio Pochettino’s team from the title race and confirmed Leicester’s ridiculously unlikely status as champions. What’s more, speaking in an interview in the USA! USA!! USA!!!, the famously pleased-with-himself official from Durham has announced he more or less made up the rules as he went along on the evening in question, so nobody could blame him for costing Spurs the title on a night when their players completely lost the plot.
“If I sent three players off from Tottenham, what are the headlines? ‘Clattenburg cost Tottenham the title,’” he said in an interview with the Men In Blazers podcast. “It was pure theatre that Tottenham self-destructed against Chelsea and Leicester won the title. Some referees would have played by the book; Tottenham would have been down to seven or eight players and probably lost and they would’ve been looking for an excuse.”
So there we have it: he had one job. And the job in question? Maintaining control of a game of football by adhering to assorted laws with which, we must assume considering his lofty status, he is very familiar. And yet rather than enforce them and almost certainly ensure Leicester won the title, he preferred to hope that an out-of-control Tottenham with a full set of players would fare no better than an out-of-control Tottenham that had been correctly reduced to seven or eight players. As luck would have it, Clattenburg’s gamble paid off, neutrals got a rollocking white-knuckle ride and Leicester were crowned champions, but that’s rather beside the point. Your po-faced Fiver can’t can’t help but feel that if this was his attitude going into big games, then the fussiness of so many of his former colleagues that so infuriates on a weekly basis may be no bad thing.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“For 14 long years I had been having issues but I never ever wanted to label it. Once I was diagnosed with severe depression, everything was so crystal clear. After I came out of hospital, my son said to me: ‘You’re not going to die on me, are you Papa?’ I said: ‘I will be with you for the rest of your life’” – former Bordeaux and Norwich City player Cédric Anselin talks openly and bravely about the phone call that saved his life.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Waiting in line for my caffeine fix, I couldn’t help notice that the coffee shop menu is an inadvertent nod to footy: flat white … Swansea’s form; extra shot … what Christian Benteke usually needs; Americano … watching the World Cup at home; French Press … N’Golo Kanté; smoothie … David Ginola (let’s face it, he’s still got it); Oolong … Sam Allardyce’s tactics (‘extra-strong with three sugars’). Of course, as a Liverpool fan, my regular Earl Grey is the closest I’ll get to a cup this season” – Mark McFadden.
“Re: Oxford City boss Mark Jones saying about his player and barber Godfrey Poku: ‘Judging by his own barnet I am not sure how many clients he gets’ (Friday’s Bits and Bobs). Surely Mark Jones is aware that barbers do not actually cut their own hair! The age-old conundrum of getting a haircut in a village with only two barbers, where one has a good haircut and one has a bad haircut, dictates that you should always go to the one with the bad haircut, as their hair must have been cut by the other one” – Mike Rice (and 1,056 others).
“Re: rubbish ‘derby titles’ (Fiver letters passim). Every flamin’ fixture in the Australian A-League is a derby of some description. My favourite is the ‘Distance Derby’ between New Zealand’s Wellington Phoenix and western Australia’s Perth Glory. An eight-hour plane journey and, at this time of year, a five-hour time difference” – Mike Kaufman.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Mark McFadden, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.
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BITS AND BOBS
The FA’s Martin Glenn has demonstrated his nous yet again, stating that Gareth Southgate’s job will not be under threat even if England return from the World Cup after shoeings from Belgium, Tunisia and Panama. “Gareth has a long-term contract. He’s not looking at Russia as a free pass,” he said of the free pass he had just given him.
Manchester City may be playing well, but Pep Guardiola continues to misunderstand the mysteries of English football. After David Silva’s 83rd-minute winner against West Ham, he bragged to the press that he has “heard about the [Lord Ferg] time”. But as any fule kno, that does not begin until the game enters its 100th minute.
Hull City have mutually consented Leonid Slutsky with the Tigers 20th in the Championship. “Hull City will always be a part of my heart,” he cooed.
Full and frank dressing-room discussions dept: Swansea City edition.
Crystal Palace have announced plans to redevelop Selhurst Park, but to the chagrin of all away supporters, don’t intend to relocate it somewhere more amenable.
It took slightly longer than expected, but on the first day in his new job, Sam Allardyce finally had a go at Marco Silva for his effrontery in being Everton’s preferred choice as manager. And now Silva has responded: “Go and see what he was doing when he was 40, or see what he was doing in his first seven seasons as a coach,” salted Silva. “Then look at what I am doing at the same age – or you can wait until I am 63, and then we can compare what I have done.”
Blackeye Rovers face a spell without the banned Rekeem Harper and Elliott Bennett after both were sent off in the 3-3 FA Cup draw with Crewe, who came from 3-0 down at Ewood to force a replay. “I just hope [the officials] go and watch the decisions they’ve made,” sniffed Tony Mowbray. “As long as they look at it and try to get better, it will benefit everyone.”
And in Buenos Aires, a statue of Lionel Messi has been vandalised for the second time this year, cut in two at the knee. The Fiver understands a bronzed, buff Madeirense was not seen stalking away from the scene.
STILL WANT MORE?
On 10 Premier League talking points.
On the remarkable return of Strasbourg.
On Getafe and the intense José Bordalás.
On the exit of Peter Stöger at Cologne.
On the scenes at Benevento and around Serie A.
On Paul Pogba’s Arsenal display and the weeks to come.
On a modicum of hope for the Moyesiah.
On Gary Lineker fronting Fifa’s tombola.
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