THE BANK OF BALE
To save the Fiver a stressful morning fiddling about with its abacus, another top journalist has helpfully broken down the “insane details” of the new and improved six-year deal inked by Gareth Bale that will apparently make him the world’s highest paid player on £350,000 a week. After tax. According to The Mirror, the one-time Tottenham full-back turned Real Madrid winger will earn £34 per minute, which adds up to £2,054 per hour. Or £43 per second spent on the pitch, which adds up to £2,580 per minute. In a nutshell: whether he’s on the pitch or not on the pitch, Bale will be earning lots and lots of money.
With one possible exception (hello Cristiano!) few will begrudge the Welshman his good fortune. He is modest. He is unassuming. He seems a nice bloke. He is a doting father and good family man. He genuinely loves playing for his country. He earns more than Him. What’s not to like? Still, it hasn’t all been plain sailing for the 27-year-old since his £85m move from Spurs three years ago, with his career hitting something of a lump during that difficult second season. “I had one season where it wasn’t the best but that made me grow up as a player and person,” he said at a press conference convened by Real Madrid to show off their new old signing. “It made me learn to deal with whatever is thrown at me.” Cash, in this particular instance and with so much more of the stuff being thrown at him by his bosses, his brief spell in the doldrums looks set to stand him in even better stead in the coming years.
Bale’s new deal with Real wasn’t the player’s only reason for celebration, with a quick perusal of his Twitter feed revealing that earlier today he was “buzzing” to be announced as a Nissan “Engineer of Excitement” along with “the lethal” Manchester City striker Sergio Agüero. While the accompanying video clip did little to reveal what it is exactly that an engineer of excitement actually does, the Fiver’s going to go out on a limb and guess that one of their duties is trousering loads of money they probably don’t really need from a certain Japanese car manufacturer. Indeed, with the future of Nissan’s Sunderland plant having been recently secured, David Moyes has revealed that he and his players will be visiting the place this week. With Nissan’s engineer of excitement roles already cast, they may audition to be the company’s engineers of their own misfortune.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I just wanted to frighten him” – Audax Italiano forward Sebastian Pol explains why he leapt up on to a fence to boot a fan in the chest and subsequently spend a night in the big house.
MATTRESS AND PILLOW PARTNER OF THE DAY
“It’s very important for us as players to maintain high-quality sleep” – Luke Shaw confirms that a bit of kip is preferable to staring blankly at the walls until the sun rises as Manchester United cosy up with yet another commercial partner for coin.
FIVER LETTERS
“It was incredibly disappointing to read Andy Marriott’s long, well argued and informative letter in Fiver letters on Friday. Please can you quickly get back to publishing letters focusing on pedantry, poor puns and long running bad jokes to make us all feel a lot better about not having the ability to write a long, well argued and informed letter. Thanks” – Phil Rhodes.
“Following Lucas Pérez’s injury and general rubbishness, I was wondering – is there a shirt number more cursed than Arsenal’s No9? His predecessor was Podolski, who was a cult figure but pretty bobbins, then you’ve got Park Chu-Young, Eduardo, Julio Baptista, José Reyes, Franny Jeffers and Davor Suker, who were either rubbish, injured or past it. The last decent No9 in terms of goals was Nicolas Anelka (before his No39 fascination) and even then, he didn’t exactly come baggage-free. Thoughts?” – Jim Hearson.
“It’s nice to hear a positive story regarding Lord Ferg. He’s not everybody’s cup of tea but he met the uncle of a mate of mine at Old Trafford recently in the execs. The uncle had given up his season ticket due to ill health and advancing age, finding it ever more difficult to get to games. He told Lord Ferg who sympathised, and they went on to watch the game together. A few days later a package arrived, containing a signed copy of his autobiography. But more than that, there was a lengthy, hand written inscription. The fact that the great man had remembered the conversation, then discretely made a point of obtaining the uncle’s address, before taking the time to do what he did speaks volumes about him. He might have ranted at the odd official, but the guy just oozes class when it comes to the important things in life” – Stephen Yoxall.
“All this stuff about the Taxpayers Dome and banning fans got me thinking. How do you ban someone from a football ground or even more implausibly all football grounds? I would like to offer myself as a tester for Taxpayers FC to see if they could stop me getting in. I’d prefer it if they would just invite me as living on the Isle of Lewis it would take me all my spare change just to get there so there would be none left for launching at the away fans. In the unlikely event that they were successful in preventing my attendance then for the second part of the test I would visit my nearest team, Ross County, and see if I could sneak in there without hinderance. Big picture though this is all going to blow over and in five years’ time it will be just another soulless new stadium functioning as it should and making even more money for the [snip! – Fiver lawyer]” – Jack Mignall.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Jack Mignall, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers. It’s not out till 4 November so aren’t you the lucky one? We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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BITS AND BOBS
Big pats on the back, well done indeeds and fair plays to Everton, who have announced they will pay all staff the living wage. They’re the fifth club to provide this fairly basic offering, so... y’know... chop chop, the rest of you.
Referees can see into the future, according to some boffins. But rather than anticipating natural disasters or traffic accidents, they’re using their supernatural ability to give free-kicks and foul throws. Or something.
Can someone give David Moyes a hug please? “I probably spend Saturday night, and quite often, in a darkened room somewhere,” he sniffed after Sunderland’s latest calamity, which leaves them stone bottom of the league.
José Mourinho will get no more than a one-match touchline ban if he admits to whatever naughty thing the FA reckons he did in the match against Burnley.
Bastian Schweinsteiger has been recalled from the naughty step and allowed to run around with the rest of the big boys at Manchester United. Whether José Mourinho will actually pick him for a game now... well, that’s more of a long-shot.
And good news for black polo neck manufacturers looking for bulk orders: Germany coach Jogi Lurrrrrvvvvvve has signed a two-year extension to his contract, taking him up to the 2020 European Championships.
STILL WANT MORE?
‘‘I’ve got trash-talking in my blood”. Ex-Germany shotstopper Tim Wiese tells Michael Butler why he swapped Bundesliga for WWE.
Paul MacInnes popped along to the seaside – to Brighton – for the latest Football League in focus blog and saw Chris Hughton being cruel to Canaries.
Sid Lowe gives it up for Quique Setién, Las Palmas’s Rolling Stone.
Liverpool’s title credentials and Victor Moses finally at home in a Chelsea shirt. Here are eight more talking points from the weekend’s action.
Alexis Sánchez can help Arsène Wenger through those cold November nights, soothes Louise Taylor.
Wael al-Qadi talks to Stuart James about asking Roman Abramovich for a pic, owning Bristol Rovers and being carried on the shoulders by supporters.
There’s just something about Rafael Benítez and promotions that should have Newcastle fans optimistic, so says Tom Mason.
Gonzalo Higuaín’s summer departure left Napoli fans bitter and Juventus look empowered with the striker in their ranks, writes Serie A chief Paolo Bandini.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
