ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD
Florentino Pérez woke up this morning, sighed and rubbed his back, wincing as he pressed his fingers into his spine. He still felt tired. He hadn’t slept well. He rarely does. Buying a solid gold mattress looked like a good idea at the time, but turns out it isn’t that comfortable. Who knew? The sales assistant had made such a good pitch to him and it looked so nice and expensive and shiny and expensive and shiny and expensive, the other club presidents were going to be so jealous of him once he posted it on Instagram. He couldn’t wait to lie down when he bought it. In fact, he rushed upstairs at 9pm, burst into his bedroom, took a long run-up, leapt off the ground, through the air and landed on the bed. Yaroo! Solid gold is hard. It hurt. Jumping was a bad choice. Enjoyable, though. Not everyone gets to jump on a solid gold mattress, do they? No. No they do not.
And not everyone has a duvet made out of solid gold either. Lucky Florentino! What a lucky boy! Admittedly said duvet is pretty unwieldy, due to its inherent metalness, and it can also be quite problematic in the bitter winter months, seeing as it generates absolutely no warmth. Brrrr! Poor Florentino. But he can live with that. What’s really bothering him is that he doesn’t have a mattress made out of solid platinum and a duvet made out of solid platinum and, oh oh oh, a unicorn made out of solid platinum! It’s so unfair. He’s got half a mind to get rid of that silly man who found him all those boring little trinkets, that useless Italian man with the funny eyebrow, then hire someone much more exciting in his place, the bald French guy maybe. Having new stuff is so fun! Especially when that new stuff is people!
“I don’t know if I will be here next season,” Carlo Ancelotti said in the wake of Real Madrid’s Big Cup exit at the hands of a Juventus team who looked strangely like a team, whatever that is, probably something losers have to settle for because they don’t have any. “Today to talk about the future does not make much sense.” But let’s talk about the future!
Clearly, having only spent something in the region of £569m last summer, the only thing that can take Real to the next level would be signing Marco Reus, Sergio Agüero and Paul Pogba, before adding that crucial glamorous touch by a few of the cast members from Made in Chelsea to play in defence. It’s not looking good for designated scapegoat, Gareth Bale, although he’s not letting the haters get him down. “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,” Bale said somewhat hopefully, failing to take into account that a solid gold mattress being lobbed off a balcony and on to his head definitely wouldn’t make him stronger.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Had I known that the journalist who slaughtered me would do so, I probably wouldn’t have written any comments on Facebook except about football. Not that I have changed my mind about what I wrote, I still believe the things I wrote” – Torben Aakjaer, who was sacked as a Manchester United scout after this story about his racist Facebook posts, decides to keep digging.
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Barry Glendenning plays the man himself at Chris Kamara Street Soccer in the latest Guardian Football meets … video.
FIVER LETTERS
“It says a lot for the history of Real Madrid when football’s entire beardy hipster community rejoiced en masse as Him and co slumped to a side who are only marginally less evil. Forza Juve, the newly crowned Big Cup neutrals’ favourite” – Johnny Connelly.
“I was mildly enjoying The Fiver’s comprehensive review of Barcelona’s takedown of Bayern Munich until I got to the final paragraph and this particular sentence: ‘Tonight Barcelona will find out whether Real Madrid or Plucky Little Juventus will be their opponents on 6 June.’ The bloody 6th of June? My own team’s season finished on 2 May. The month of June during a non-World Cup or European Championship should be spent eating at BBQs and swearing at Alastair Cook, not watching Big Cup final. We can’t even STOP FOOTBALL when it’s supposed to have stopped any more” – Adrian Foster.
“I’m not sure why the women’s game suffers from popularity-knack in comparison to men’s football, but yesterday’s Quote of the Day will surely offer comfort to those worried about making the transition. Looking for familiar signs to help you settle in? Fear not. One of Arsenal’s star players needs surgery on an ankle and Sunderland’s defenders are ‘clearly not good enough to be playing at this level’. At ease” – Rob Farquharson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Johnny Connelly.
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BITS AND BOBS
Virgin Trains, sponsors of Preston, have apologised over the engineering works that will leave North End fans stranded in London after the League One play-off final against Swindon on 24 May. “It’s unfortunate timing – and slightly embarrassing for us,” understated a company spokesman. “We are looking at what we can do on the Monday morning because the feedback we have had says a lot will be staying down for the night.” Why do you think that is, company spokesman? Robins fans will be hindered too due to work on the Great Western line. “We will be running additional coach services from Swindon station to Reading, where you will be able to jump on to a fast service to London Paddington,” cheered a First Great Western suit.
Fun and games in South America dept: Carabobo FC striker Aquiles Ocanto is recovering having been being kicked in the back by a fan while giving a live post-match TV interview after the goalless draw with Aragua in Venezuela. “[He] is well and has not sustained any injury. We reject such acts of violence in football,” sniffed a Carabobo statement.
Spurs keeper Brad Friedel, 93, will retire from football at the end of the season.
In a blow to The Fiver’s Stop Football campaign, La Liga won’t be suspended this weekend after all, meaning Barcelona are in the clear to win the title on Sunday.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn reports that Manuel Pellegrini will be staying on as Manchester City manager next season.
$tevie Mbe has used his farewell press conference at Liverpool to urge Raheem Sterling to sign a new deal at Anfield. “Of course I’m biased,” he biased, “but my advice to Raheem now is you have a manager who will believe in you and you can learn from and there is no one better than Brendan Rodgers for that.”
Blackpool’s abandoned Championship finale against Huddersfield has been recorded as a 0-0 draw.
And Al-Hilal have fined Salem al-Dawsari a month’s wages for trying to head-butt Scottish ref John Beaton at the end of their Riyadh derby against Saudi champions, al-Nassr. “It sounds more dramatic than it was but we had about 10 security guards lead us off the pitch, all wearing standard-issue suits and ties and radios,” whistled Beaton.
STILL WANT MORE?
The end is nigh for Carlo Ancelotti at Real Madrid, warns Sid Lowe.
A lovely piece from Amy Lawrence on Gigi Buffon’s return to Berlin as he bids to fill the Big Cup-shaped gap on his CV.
Social media’s reaction to Real Madrid’s Big Cup dumping-out, featuring a Juve dressing-room sing-song, Iker Casillas’ foul throw and Patrice Evra v ballboy.
Football Weekly Extra isn’t here yet, but it will be here a bit later, possibly even by the time you’re reading this. And you can still get tickets for our live extravaganza in Manchester on 3 June.
This week’s Classic YouTube features all things $tevie Mbe, a 13-goal Beazer Homes thriller and more.
Jonathan Wilson explains how Dnipro have built on the academy foundations laid by former coach Yevhen Kucherevskyi to be on the verge of Big Vase final.
David Squires’ flamin’ Australian cartoon series tackles the A-League final.
Dave Beasant, older than a Fiver gag, stands on the brink of a return to Wembley with Stevenage. Liam Curtis has more.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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TONIGHT WE DINE IN ADAMS PARK
