DIAMOND GEEZERS by Peter Bradshaw
The movie begins as DAVE, played by NEIL MASKELL, leaves Wormwood Scrubs prison in west London, clutching a canvas bag of his belongings; he looks grimly around, lights cigarette. An old-fashioned Bentley purrs up, and from out of the back steps BIG MAL, played by MARK RYLANCE, with a thin, menacing smile: “All right, Dave? I heard you were out. You’re looking good, Dave. I’ve got a bit of work on, as it goes, and there could be a drink in it for you. What do you know about enormous concrete-piercing drills?”
They stop off at a local pub to recruit BENNY, played by DANNY DYER, and BARRY, played by GEOFF BELL, who are watching Sky Sports live match coverage.
They are led back to BIG MAL’s opulent West End flat where they are introduced to MARIANNE, played by EMMA WATSON, the angrily divorced trophy wife of the architect of the Hatton Garden Safe Deposit building, who has blond highlights and smokes menthol cigarettes. Furious at her mean settlement, she has stolen the blueprints to the building and knows which wall is vulnerable. “We are going in through this wall, gentlemen,” says BIG MAL, “… and we’re going to nick everything and no one’s going to make a fuss because all the diamonds is probably well lairy and hidden from the taxman!” The gang all laugh. “But first we’re going to need a concrete-piercing drill the size of the Mole in Thunderbirds.”
The next scene sees DAVE, BARRY and BENNY sneaking on to a building site in Walthamstow and stealing a colossal concrete-piercing drill by throwing a tarpaulin over it and wheeling into the back of their 1987 Ford Transit and driving it away. Meanwhile, back in the opulent West End flat, BIG MAL and MARIANNE are kissing passionately and making plans to cut DAVE, BARRY and BENNY out of the action after the job is over.
The day before the robbery, MARIANNE orders DAVE into the underground tunnels below Holborn in central London to cause a huge electrical fire, which will cause a power outage, interfering with the Hatton Garden alarm system. This accomplished, the rest of the gang wheel their gigantic drill into position and begin to drill through the 15ft concrete wall, the noise of which they mask by playing music from MARIANNE’s iPhone including Uptown Funk and The Self-Preservation Society. BIG MAL sends a gloating text to MARIANNE about their planned betrayal, which accidentally gets sent to DAVE – who, infuriated, alerts the police.
Detective Chief Inspector YELLAND, played by AMELIA BULLMORE, is playing squash with her subordinate DI Meluish, played by MARK GATISS. They ignore DAVE’s call.
After hours of drilling, the gang breaks through to the strongroom in a shower of dust, and opens up the deposit boxes, which turn out to contain the hidden booty from the deposit-box raid carried out 15 years ago by the notorious criminal TEDDY BASS, played by IAN MCSHANE, an event recorded in the documentary Sexy Beast. TEDDY turns up, shoots the gang, loads their bodies into his own Transit, and takes them to where they will form part of the concrete foundation of a new buy-to-let apartment complex in Tottenham.
By the time DCI YELLAND and DI MELUISH turn up at Hatton Garden Safety Deposit strongroom it is empty, strewn with boxes and dust. It is a mystery. The final scene shows DAVE working behind the counter at Pret a Manger.
