I have recently found myself struggling to be intimate in long-term relationships. I’m a gay man, and left a loving but sexless, five-year relationship six months ago. I find sexual encounters with strangers exciting, and worry that I can’t be intimate with someone I like. When I was a broke student, I turned to escorting a handful of times. I am now worried that this has been to the detriment of my goals of a fulfilling, loving relationship.
Your ability to compartmentalise relationships and to separate love and sex does not necessarily hamper your ability to form a satisfying, long-term bond. But do you really want that right now? Long-term relationships that include a strong erotic connection require a fair bit of work. It seems that your relationships so far have used the immediacy or novelty of attraction to fuel a short-term encounter, but the far more difficult task is to adeptly deal with the vicissitudes of sharing daily living with another human being while maintaining the erotic spark.
True intimacy involves allowing yourself to see, and be seen, by your partner. This requires considerable bravery, and there will always be the potential for massive pain. Perhaps you are not willing to reach so far at this point in time? Does it really matter? If you are not ready now, maybe you will crave a deeper union with the right person at a future time.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
