Describe your growth in the last year
Exponentially, Sir, but then I’m not sure that you’re interested in the three extra arms I grew. To scrub off a stain while typing a mail while negotiating with a client while unclogging the sink while rinsing the dog’s paws of peanut butter. Now that I have also to send in my replies to this performance review (not meeting deadlines for personal reasons is such a ‘typically female’ excuse), I’ve just noticed a sixth arm beginning to sprout.
To what extent have you performed your role?
I have performed seven people’s roles during the last year — plumber, cook — oh yes, no excuses! I shouldn’t mention my colleague who attended his son’s PTA (note how inspiring it is that modern men share the parenting load!) leaving me to do his spreadsheets. So let’s make that eight.
How have you adjusted to working from home?
To politely rephrase this question, it is working AT home, and women have always been doing it. Remember how adorable (such a hands-on dad!) the VP was called when his child waddled in and flung herself at the screen, till an efficient woman peeled her away? We women, however, have invisible children. It is our special skill. How could we ever afford to leave a call for a screaming baby choking on a building block? How disorganised and unprofessional that would be! The efficient women who peel kids away from other people’s screens, you see, is us.
What are your areas of improvement for the coming year?
To improve my communication skills, to appropriately communicate (and not whine, as these responses will be termed) about my last year. I would also love to improve my home office, which moves from kitchen counter to hanging-off-balcony to bathroom pot.
Have you learnt any new skills in this period?
To apologise for my red eyes after working on the presentation all night, to take calls when I’m cooking dinner, to promise to be ‘on it’ and send a mail while the sabzi burns. To look highly pleased at some mansplaining by someone watching a match while on the call. To pretend the ridiculous targets are most achievable. To realise that none of these responses will ever make it officially into my review form.
Is there anything you would like to add?
Please overlook the blank responses in this form, as I’ve deleted all the answers so as not to be called unprofessional. Thank you for not firing me, and imposing a 30% paycut instead. I am full of support for the organisation’s challenges at this tough time, and totally understand that the organisation does not support mine. Thank you for giving my male colleague the promotion instead, for his full-time commitment to the job. Be assured I will work night and day from now on. After all, who needs to sleep?!
Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy, pokes her nose into our perfect lives.
