Easy job... Paul van Dyk. Photograph: Travis Oscarson.
Without sounding like a grumpy old man, I say that it's time for a culture cull. Let's get rid of the useless overblown sectors of society that insinuate themselves into our lives at every opportunity; or at the very least, relegate them to the lowly level of reward they deserve.
First off, DJs. They are nearly always men, whose genius it is to be able to keep a room full of drunken people dancing without falling over. The skill in DJing apparently consists of being able to play records at the same speed, seamlessly blending them into one another while blowing a whistle and punching the air like a weightlifter whose weights have been stolen.
There are various categories of dancing records, ranging from hard house to chill out, and a lot of sub categories in between that are generally mis-spelled and involve the letter z. Knowing which song to play at the right moment is not particularly clever. Drunken teenagers without many clothes on like to jump up and down. Being able to mix in another record with similar beats per minute does not require anything but the most rudimentary command of a twin-decked record player. The fact of the matter is that nobody would notice, or give a toss if it all went pear shaped - except other DJs. Without sounding too sinister, if they all disappeared tomorrow, nobody would remember they'd even existed.
Then there are chefs - an ability to cook food should not qualify one to appear on grown-up television, or in a magazine (unless it's a trade gazette for the catering industry), or do anything more egregious than accepting the compliments of satisfied diners, or apologising for burning the salad. Everybody can cook - it's to do with fire. We could all swish around a few ingredients or put a blow torch to a caramelised pudding if we could be arsed. And worse than the worst pessimist's direst prediction, every piece of culinary art a chef creates turns to shit. No wonder they're so angry all the time.
Anybody with anything to do with fashion - except tailors, dressmakers and weavers - can also go. And size zero or size billion models - who cares? Look at the suspects - would you really trust the judgement of somebody who looked like Karl Lagerfeld or Donatella Versace?
Accuse me of being simplistic if you must - I admit that I might have missed the finer points of what these people do. I'm a blogger for God's sake so I'll save the last bullet for myself. But really, what is the point of these people? Perhaps DJs wear designer clothes and dine in chi-chi restaurants, while fashionistas throw up their starters then go to the disco - but what about chefs?
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