Dear Agony Akka,
I think the end of the world is upon us. Recently I read a report about a Belgian zoo banning a woman from visiting the park’s chimpanzee because she was allegedly having an affair with the primate. Now, I have nothing against (wo)man-animal love, which can inspire award-winning movies like The Shape of Water, where the heroine falls in love with a fish. What I find objectionable is that the zoo said it was banning the woman for the chimp’s wellbeing. What’s going on? The other day I saw on Twitter a notice in a Dublin zoo that said: “Don’t stand, sit, climb or lean on zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick.” Hello, what next? Will the koala and the kangaroo be placed at the centre of the universe? How do we buck this anarchic trend?
— Concerned And Tense
Dear CAT,
You are very correct to feel angry and upset about the kind of importance being given to animals when we humans are suffering so much every single day. Imagine spending lakhs and crores on zoos and animal sanctuaries when the money can be used to build a giant new statue somewhere. In fact, I think that’s a very good idea. We should get rid of all animals and erect animal statues here and there in all cities. Our grandchildren and great-grandchildren can see what a gorilla or rhino looks like without everyone wasting time and energy trying to keep them alive and safe from poachers and industrialists and what not.
And it’s not just about keeping them alive, is it? Next thing you know, people are demanding that their habitats must also be kept safe. So nobody is allowed to cut down trees or dig mines or extract minerals or anything. I mean, come on, this is ridiculous. How on earth will we become a five trillion economy with no mines and only mongoose and macaques? If we keep on conserving trees and forests, I am warning you soon there will be no place for people to live.
I am especially concerned because my friend Monisha has just bought a flat in an upcoming condo project. They are going to build in a beautiful spot on the outskirts of the city where they have reclaimed some swampland. Very soon, all those noisy pelicans and herons will be gone and there will only be tall, soaring concrete in the skyline. Construction cranes instead of water cranes.
But if some busybody had demanded that swamps also must be protected, what would have happened to the many Monishas? Builders are anyway growing lots of trees in the compound and it is a green building and has eco certificate. Monisha is also keeping two-three pet parakeets because she is very fond of wildlife. Enough is enough.
In Chennai, long ago, like this only one crazy American started place to grow crocodiles. Can you imagine? Trying to preserve one animal that can open its mouth and swallow two-three humans casually for snacks. If you go there, you will see them lying there in the sun, hundreds of them, just lying there doing nothing. Unlike monkeys or birds, they don’t look cute. Unlike oxen or horses, they’re not useful. No justification whatsoever for their existence in same format for over 200 million years. I am saying, why not rent out the place as useful disposal spot for relatives, politicians and godmen? Good money during lockdown, and creatures can finally make themselves useful.
However, as you say, the reptiles might fall sick. No worries, we will give them some Croconil.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
